Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Alaska

in this episode, ben and alex find themselves in communist alaska, property of the supreme leader, comrade sarah palin

transcript

{Ben and Alex have touched down in the Karl Marx Anchorage International Airport, Alaska. As soon as they step out of the plane, they notice armed guards patrolling the entire airport and professionally painted portraits of Palin almost everywhere.}

ALEX: Well, it looks like we're now in Alaska!

ben: what gives who is that bitch and why is she everywhere

ALEX: Ben! Don't you know who that is? That is Alaska's supreme socialist leader, Comrade Palin! She's owned this country ever since she liberated it from the Soviet Union!

BEN: oh oops

ALEX: Oops is right, you barmy army mem-

{Attack huskies in shock collars swarm Alex and Ben. They wake up in a dark room, a light is shone in their face. Seems like they're getting interrogated}

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: We found the both of you on the CCTV cameras we have hooked up to our FREE HOSPITALS.

BEN: what's happening?? did alex punch me in the back of the head for being a nonce again?

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: Nonce...how long it has been...since I heard that word.

BEN: come off it, lad, who are you?

VOICE THAT PAUSES FOR EFFECT TO MAKE SOUNDBITES EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TRYING REALLY HARD TO SOUND EARTHY: Who am I? Why I am the leader of the AKGB, which stands for Alaska KGB! I also used to rule some other communist party but whatever. Besides the point i'm tony blair

TONY BLAIR: hey everyone

BEN: oh my god it's tony blair i love you tony blair i love you tony blair i love you tonyyyyyyyy

ALEX: WHAT A CUNT

BEN: alex, no.

TONY BLAIR: No no, it's fine really, I really am a cunt, no shame in that.

ALEX: Anyway, why have you kidnapped us? We demand to see our lawyers!!

TONY BLAIR: Silly little boy. In Soviet Alaska, there are no lawyers.

ALEX: Oh come on. Are seriously the only things here Ice and communists? What is this, Canada?

TONY BLAIR: No, but according to my sources, we ARE about to annex them.

ALEX: oh no my home country

{Alex is filled with patriotic rage and grows a giant moose out of his crotch, which he hits tony blair with.}

ALEX: TOUGH ON CRIME, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME

BEN: you disgust me alex.

ALEX: you're right, cunt is a very rude word

BEN: no i mean canada, ew

{Cut to Alex and Ben trudging through the snow which is a metaphor FOR OPPRESSION}

BEN: I can't believe Alaska's become communist

ALEX: This is a disaster, I blame Tony Blair and Sarah Palin

{All of the sudden, the two meet Nikolai Volkoff, who is meditating in the snow}

BEN AND ALEX: NIKOLAI VOLKOFF!!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Indeed, I am Nikolai Volkoff!! What do you two vant from me?

BEN: We wouldn't mind some transportation

ALEX: Yeah, after Tony Blair threw us out of Anchorage, we've been stuck in the snow!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Hop on my back, comrades! I will take you where you need to go while singing the SOVIET ANTHEM

{Nikolai Volkoff gets on the ground on all fours like a bear, and Ben and Alex proceed to ride on his back. Immediately, Nikolai Volkoff takes off, clearing through the snow like a Russian Sickle}

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: Союз нерушимый республик свободных

Сплотила навеки Великая Русь.

Да здравствует созданный волей народов

Единый, могучий Советский Союз!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Дружбы народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

Сквозь грозы сияло нам солнце свободы,

И Ленин великий нам путь озарил:

Нас вырастил Сталин — на верность народу,

На труд и на подвиги нас вдохновил!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Счастья народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

Мы армию нашу растили в сраженьях.

Захватчиков подлых с дороги сметём!

Мы в битвах решаем судьбу поколений,

Мы к славе Отчизну свою поведём!

Славься, Отечество наше свободное,

Славы народов надёжный оплот!

Знамя Советское, знамя народное

Пусть от победы к победе ведёт!

BEN AND ALEX: God bless the Soviet Union, true inheritors to the land of Alaska!

{after 50 repeatitions of the soviet anthem, nikolai volkoff has taken the two to a communist inuit village}

ALEX: Thanks for the ride, Mr. Volkoff!

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF: it was of no problem comrade

{Ben and Alex walk up to an inuit, who seems to be carrying a basket}

BEN: Hello, mellow fellow? My I enquire to as what we could do to escape this podunk town?

INUIT: This basket october labour loterry. you are alaskan citizen, you in line. i draw job for you and your girlfriend.

{The inuit draws a ball from the basket, opens it up and finds a kinder egg inside. He unwraps the kinder egg, eats it, and opens the orange ball to find a scrap of paper, which says "Josef's babysitter}

ALEX: Josef's...babysitter?

INUIT: You lucky fuck. You go get to babysit young Josef.

BEN: Who the dingles is Josef?

INUIT: You do not know of Josef? Josef is surpreme leader son. Josef will lead Soviet Alaska to glory. You two will bring honor to your savage people. Now go.

{The inuit picks Ben and Alex up and puts them both in a specially made inuit cannon, firing them into the distance. Flying through the skies, they land in the Anchorage Presidential Palace, right where Supreme Leader Palin and Tony Blair are raising their young son, who is in fact a baby Joseph Stalin.}

SARAH PALIN: Well if you'll look at that, guys! Lil' baby Josef's got himself a braaaaaand new babysitter!

TONY BLAIR: Oh, it's the two wankers again!

ALEX: BETTER A WANKER THAN A CUNT

SARAH PALIN: Now, that's not a very nice way to talk about my husband, even if he is a cunt!

TONY BLAIR: Oh no, it's fine, we met before. I am most definitely a cunt, no doubt about it.

SARAH PALIN: You two gotta play nice with Lil' Baby Josef now, alright? He's gon' be the new leader once I die!

{Tony and Sarah palin walk off to look at my little pony butts or something}

TONY BLAIR: im secretly ok

BEN: So, Josef, what do you enjoy doing?

JOSEF: wait in line.

ALEX: That's kind of a weird hobby.

JOSEF: was not hobby, is order.

ALEX: what do you

JOSEF: disobey and you will be send to gulag.

ALEX: okay sorry jeez

{Ben, Alex, and Josef form a line. Suddenly, ben gets THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE}

BEN: *whispering big time* I have a plan to escape alex

ALEX: How how how do we do this

BEN: Follow me lead *not whispering anymore* IT'S CONGA

{Ben begins playing a rumba beat and Alex, Josef and Ben conga dance out of Josef's room, through all the snow, and into their car. As they try to drive off, they find that their car has in fact been dismantled by the communist soldiers and that they're sitting in a metal husk. Looking outside they see a legion of Soviet Alaskan troops advancing towards them with guns. They get out of the car and begin to run, only to see more troops advancing towards them. Soon they realize that they're surrounded.}

ALASKAN SOLDIER: STOP!!

ALASKAN SOLDIER 2: IN THE NAME OF LOVE!!

ALEX: Oh no Ben, what are we going to do???

BEN: I don't know Alex I don't know!!!!!

{Alex and Ben huddle together as baby Josef flies away in a jetpack}

BEN: Alex, before we die, there's one thing I want to tell you

ALEX: What's that Ben???

BEN: When I met you, I thought you were a pansy canadian dick

ALEX: And now??

BEN: Now I've come to realize that you are a brave canadian dick

ALEX: Ben there's something I need to tell you too

BEN: Yes???

ALEX: When I met you I thought you were the worst person in the entire universe

BEN: And now????

ALEX: Oh no, that was it

BEN: Oh

{The troops keep advancing towards the two as they huddle closer}

ALEX: dude i can feel your boner

BEN: it's a fear boner

{Just as the end seems to be nigh for the two, two shining figures descend from the sky, each holding AK-47s.}

ALEX: look in the sky!!!!

BEN: Could it be??

ALEX: It is!!

HEAVENLY VOICES: MARGARET THATCHER AND RONALD REAGAN

BEN AND ALEX: YAY CAPITALISM

MARGARET THATCHER: We couldn't help but notice you two in trouble!

RONALD REAGAN: So we came here to help you... WITH THE POWER OF CAPITALISM AND FREE MARKET

{Thatcher and Reagan kill all the Soviet Alaskan troops in slow-mo 300 style and it is wicked cool. After the last Soviet Alaskan soldier is dead, they both grab Ben and Alex and start flying away}

RONALD REAGAN: It's a good thing we came to rescue y'all or you'd be dead now!

ALEX: Tell me about it! Thank you Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher, you two are the best!!

{Thatcher, Reagan, Ben, and Alex fly away to the distance to the sound of Nikolai Volkoff singing the Soviet Anthem}

{Cut back to the two freezing to death in the snow. This episode was all a dream.}

ALEX: i hate alaska

BEN: tell me about it

ALEX: fucking tony blair

{END}

NEXT EPISODE: ARIZONA