Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Alabama

ben and alex find themselves in the heart of dixie where they run into some craaaaaazy civil war shananigans!!!!!

transcript

{Ben and Alex have just touched down in Birmingham International Airport, Alabama. They are both decked out in the coolest British tourist gear, with cowboy hats and cameras.}

ALEX: Hot diggity damn, Ben! We're finally in the Ol' U-S-Of-A!

BEN: alex help i burn easily

ALEX: Oh come on, it can't be -

BEN: I am literally a pile of ash.

{Ben is literally a pile of ash}

ALEX: Oh, you silly sausage. Come on.

{Alex gets out a poop-scoop and scoops Ben up and puts him in a small glass jar. He puts it in his pocket and leaves the airport. Cut to the city of Birmingham, Alabama. Ben is now back to normal. As Ben and Alex skip merrily through the streets of birmingham, they notice a sign stating "Civil War Re-enactment. Also, racism"}

ALEX: Ooh, Ben, a civil war re-enactment, we should totally indulge in the HISTORIC CULTURE OF AMERICA

BEN: The sign had me at "racism"

{Montage of eagles, fireworks, american flags and burning crosses on civil right's figures lawns. Ben and Alex are at a civil war re-enactment, in full confederate soldier gear}

ALEX: Oh man, look how sexy this confederate soldier gear makes me look!

BEN: It really shows off your heiney!

{Cut to Alex's heiney. It is shiny. As Ben and Alex are running through the civil war fields, they spot a man in the distance on a horse.}

BEN: Hey, is that...

ALEX: IT'S ULYSSES S GRANT.

{Heavenly choir of angels as Ulysses S. Grant charges towards Ben and Alex, with a bottle of scotch in his hand.}

ANGELS: ULYSSES S. GRAAAAAAAAAANT~

ULYSSES: agrrhiiiii fought sam juan, pally, and i'll FIGHT YE

BEN: alex no, he is about to use his lizard tongue

ALEX: What are you talking about, Ulysses S. Grant is perfectly harmle-...

{Ulysses S. Grant's tongue shoots out of his mouth like a smoker. It begins to wrap around Alex's body like a snake.}

ULYSSES: the art of war is simple enough. find out where your enemy is. get at him as soon as you can. strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on

ALEX: OH GOD NO, BENNNN, HE'S QUOTING AT MEEEEEEEE

ULYSSES: i propose to receive the surrender of the army of n. va. on the following terms, to wit: rolls of all the officers and men to be made in duplicate. one copy to be given to an officer designated by me, the other to be retained by such officer or officers as you may designate. the officers to give their individual paroles not to take up arms against the government of the united states until properly exchanged, and each company or regimental commander sign a like parole for the men of their commands. the arms, artillery and public property to be parked and stacked, and turned over to the officer appointed by me to receive them. this will not embrace the side-arms of the officers, nor their private horses or baggage. this done, each officer and man will be allowed to return to their homes, not to be disturbed by united states authority so long as they observe their paroles and the laws in force where they may reside

ALEX: HELP ME BENNNNNN

BEN: don't worry, tiny butt, I have just the plan for him!!

{ben sneaks around as ulysses rambles in incoherently, bottles of scotch literally falling out of his mouth as alex cries and screams and poops himself. eventually ben is behind ulysses}

BEN: wILLIAM eDWARD gLADSTONE HAD YOU beat any day

ULYSSES: aye, lad, what'd you say? don't make me strike ye with my whipping hand now

BEN: oh god please not the whipping hand, my bottom is too sore from the beatings my dear mum bestowed upon me and also ALEX AND I'S RAMPANT BUMMING

ULYSSES: You done be crushed like a bugger now, eh?

{As Ben prepares his butt, Alex comes from behind and hits ulysses with his brolly, KO'ing him like a bitch}

BEN: ALEX I WAS GOING TO SAVE YOU, BUT YOU SAVED ME INSTEAD

ALEX: What can I say? It was all part of a good day's-...

BEN: I WANTED TO SAVE YOU YOU WHORE

ALEX: :(

BEN: anyway that's enough of the civil war because personally that wasn't civil at all that was just a war

ALEX: I heard that Alabama has Christians!

BEN: christians???? what are they?

ALEX: Why Ben, they just happen to be a sect of people who believe in a guy called Jesus.

BEN: Yeezus?

ALEX: Jesus.

BEN: Haile Selassie?

ALEX: Damn it Ben, let's just look at all the churches.

{Alex and Ben are in a cathedral}

BEN: Oh lawd, strike me down where I stand for I have sinned! *grin grin*

ALEX: ben you do realise if you keep talking about gayness here you will be killed these people aren't very toler-

{Ben is bathing himself in holy water}

BEN: IT ACTUALLY KIND OF BURNS A LITTLE

{Alex drinks an entire pub full of alcoholic beverages to cope with the pain}

BEN: jesus loves me this i know for the bible tells me so

{Suddenly, the conservative christian Jed Phlanders walks in!!}

JED: OAKILY DOAKILY, NEIGHBOUREENIOS.

ALEX: Hey look, it's JED PHLANDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JED: I couldn't help but notice that your friend was acting a little strange. Mind explaining what the dealio is going on around here, neighboureeno?

ALEX: Why yes, my friend Ben here is part of an exclusive sect of Chris-...

BEN: I LOVE SATAN, SATAN LOVES ME, WE'RE A PRO-LIFE DEMOCRATIC FAMILY

ALEX: ...tianity.

JED: Why fiddle my diddle, it sure doesn't seem that way! If anything, it seems like your friend here is one of those Abortionist Gay Muslamic Atheists.

BEN: REAGAN WAS A DICK

ALEX: Ignore him. Please.

JED: Now wait just one cotton-picking second, I-...

BEN: NASCAR SUCKS!!!

JED: ...Son of an oakily doakily motherfucker, did you just insult Nascar? Nobody insults Nascar down in DIXIE!!