Skully B. Hates You/7

Overview

Skub Hates Himself for an episode! We take a look back at what Skub thought was good writing way back when!

Transcript

Overview

Episode 51: Family Sucks

SkullB's

SKUB: Addressing this first of all, SkullB is the absolute worst name I have ever come up with

brother spends a while at his house, and starts to get on SkullB's nerves. Meanwhile, Jerry and Casey go visit Jerry's parents.

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room. SkullB is playing a GameBoy Advance SP on the couch. Jerry walks in.}

JERRY: What are you doing with that thing?

SKULLB: I'm appreciating fine art.

SKUB: Ebert would disagree. And I would disagree.

JERRY: ... You call Mario 3 "fine art"?

SKULLB: If you can't appreciate the architecture of Pipe Land then there's nothing to save you now.

SKUB: {laugh track}

{The doorbell rings.}

SKULLB: Go get it.

SKUB: Why are all of my characters dicks? I just realized that they're all smarmy douchebags.

{Jerry groans and opens the door.}

JERRY: Uh, Skully? ... Do you have any other relatives I should know about?

SKUB: Oh right, that whole convoluted backstory about the FIVE SKUBBUGGIESSSS. I would do anything to take that back.

SKULLB: {sighs} Hold on, hold on...

{SkullB walks to the door. A green Skullbuggy is there.}

SKULLB: ... I haven't won the lottery yet.

NUMBER FOUR: Skully! You don't remember me?

SKULLB: Absolutely not.

SKUB: Forgettable like every other character I've written for! Except maybe that duck Monroe, I still like him.

NUMBER FOUR: ... Number Four?

SKUB: Isn't number four like double-diarrhea or something? I haven't been keeping up.

SKULLB: I thought there were only two of me.

NUMBER FOUR: Wow. You got dumb.

SKUB: From square-goddamn-one, sir.

SKULLB: I know you are, but what am I?

NUMBER FOUR: Dumb.

SKUB: {laugh track}

SKULLB: ... Al-alright.

NUMBER FOUR: So... how's it been lately?

SKULLB: Pretty good. I just got to Butter Bridge on Mario World, and-

{Pause.}

SKULLB: {in realization} You're... my... BROTHER!

SKUB: {laugh track}

NUMBER FOUR: It took you long enough.

{SkullB "eeks" in surprise and falls over.}

SKUB: Just like an anime~

{Cut: later

SKUB: , AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE..

.}

SKULLB: You're my brother!

SKUB: NAW YOU MY BROTHER, DOG

NUMBER FOUR: We've been over this, Skully.

SKULLB:' I know, but... still!

NUMBER FOUR: So, anyway... I wanted to ask you something.

SKULLB: Yeah?

SKUB: "Will you marry me~"

NUMBER FOUR: Seeing as my owners kicked me out, I need a place to stay.

SKULLB: You do, huh? I think I can arrange that!

{Jerry and Casey walk by.}

CASEY: Hey, Skully. Other Skully.

JERRY: Yeah, we're going.

SKULLB: ... Where?

JERRY: I'm going to

SKUB: hell, otherwise known as

the parents' place. Casey's

SKUB: going to wherever the Irish go when they die

coming with.

SKULLB: So, can Number Four stay?

JERRY: Yeah, whatever.

SKULLB: Nice! Thanks, Jerry!

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. We need to go. Now.

SKUB: These characters are so awful that they can't even stand to be around eachother.

{Jerry and Casey leave.}

SKULLB: ... So!

NUMBER FOUR: Hm?

SKULLB: What will we do first?

NUMBER FOUR: ... For what?

SKULLB: Brotherly bonding activities!

SKUB: How about you drown, but together

NUMBER FOUR: I... I beg pardon?

SKULLB: Come on, let's go fishing!

{SkullB takes Number Four by the hand and drags him outside.}

{Cut: Jerry's car, en route to Jerry's parents' house.}

CASEY: So why are you so nervous?

JERRY: ... When was I nervous?

CASEY: You spent five minutes trying to

SKUB: get it up

put the key in the ignition.

JERRY: Hey! I was just anxious.

CASEY: Why? Is there another figure in your life you don't want me knowing about?

SKUB: "Only my figma~"

JERRY: It's, uh... kinda... my whole family.

CASEY: Heh! They can't be that bad!

JERRY: ... You'll see. Like, right now.

{Jerry and Casey pull into a driveway. Jerry and Casey get out of the car and almost immediately a young man runs out. He is wearing a backwards cap and a letterman jacket and cargo pants.}

SKUB: And a

WILL: Jer-bear! It's been a while, brah!

SKUB: Ha, what a lovable frat brother stereotype this one is! I wonder if the author has a really deep-seated loathing for people of the jock persuasion?
SKUB: Hint: he totally did.

JERRY: Ergh... hey, Will.

CASEY: Hi, Will! Nice to meet you!

WILL: ... Who're you?

SKUB: You whore?

JERRY: She's my wife, Will.

SKUB: The point still stands, though.

WILL: Jer, it's Bill now. Okay?

JERRY: Fine, whatever. "Bill".

WILL: Well? Aren't you going to come on in?

SKUB: Into the house of screams?

JERRY: Well, yeah.

{Jerry, Casey and Will walk inside. In the house, an old man in a lobsterman's uniform is on a recliner.}

SKUB: Hahaha, his whole family is just a gallery of stereotypes. Any worse and his dad would be a gaddamn Maine lobster.

FRANCIS: Jeremy! Nice to see you again, son!

{Francis walks over to Jerry and gives him a hug.}

SKUB: He's been good about not pinching his son anymore, what with his buttery lobster claws

JERRY: Hey, Dad!

FRANCIS: Oh! Now who's that?

CASEY: I'm Casey. Charmed!

FRANCIS: Heh-heh-heh... Jerry's got a wife! Good for you, Jerry!

SKUB: "Nice ter see you've landed a nice n' easy gal!"

JERRY: Thanks, Dad...

FRANCIS: Now why can't Willy-boy get himself a nice gal?

WILL: It's Bill now, Dad.

FRANCIS: Heh... you'll always be my Willy-boy!

SKUB: Considering that he's a prick it's a very apt nickname.

{Will groans. Jerry chuckles to himself.}

FRANCIS: Now come on in the kitchen, you three. Maria's got some lobster cookin'!

SKUB: All I know about Maine is that they fish lobster and they all wear galoshes. Also, I think lobsters have voting rights up there but I've never stayed long enough.

{Will walks into the kitchen.}

JERRY: Oh, hey... Dad?

FRANCIS: Hm?

JERRY: Is, uh... is he going to be here?

FRANCIS: Beg pardon?

JERRY: You know!

SKUB: "The one we keep in the basement?"

FRANCIS: ... Ah! You mean Eric?

JERRY: Yeah. Is he coming?

FRANCIS: We're expecting him soon, yes.

SKUB: The miracle of childbirth...!

JERRY: ... Oh, God.

{Cut: the Decentville Mall's Food Court.}

SKULLB: And this is where I go to eat most of the time!

NUMBER FOUR: You eat at Manchu Wok. Wow.

SKUB: "It's tasty, and the worms are totally worth it!"

SKULLB: I know, right?

{Pause.}

SKULLB: RIGHT

SKUB: Ho-ho, all caps with no punctuation! It's like I didn't know how to write!

NUMBER FOUR: Sure, whatever.

SKULLB: So, let me take out my BBA list...

SKUB: More like BBW :dong:

{SkullB takes out an exceedingly large scroll.}

SKUB: BY DECREE OF THEE KING OF YON ANIME CLUBBE,

SKULLB: Let's see here... We've fished, gone for ice cream, played video games, etcetera...

SKUB: et cetera

NUMBER FOUR: Hey, uh... can we just go home?

SKULLB: Wh-why?

NUMBER FOUR: I'm just tired

SKUB: of hanging around a massive tool

, that's all.

SKULLB: ... Alright, then.

NUMBER FOUR: By the by... do you know a guy named Bellstrom?

SKUB: Hahaha, do I ever

SKULLB: I think he was in an early second season episode.

NUMBER FOUR: Wh- never mind. Anyhow, if you see Bell, kick him. In the nuts.

SKUB: You can hold me to my promise.

SKULLB: Why would I kick him in the balls, anyhow?

NUMBER FOUR: ... Let me explain.

{Flashback: Bell's house in Japan. Bell walks into the living room, where Sarah, Tracy, Bling, Number Four and Number Five are sitting.}

IM A BELL: Guys, I've got bad news...

NUMBER FOUR: Hm?

IM A BELL: It looks like...

SKUB: I've got cancer of the everyparts. Oh, and

SkullB wants you guys back.

NUMBER FOUR: Who now?

NUMBER FIVE: Really? You mean I get to leave?

IM A BELL: Yep... {sniffles} Go on, boys. Get out!

{Bell cries and buries his head in Tracy's shoulder.}

SKUB: "Dad, she's my dog. I'll do it."

TRACY: Quit it.

{Number Four and Number Five shrug and walk out of the room.}

IM A BELL: ... Are they... are they gone?

BLING: Yep.

{Pause. Suddenly, a banner falls down, reading "THEY'RE GONE!". Confetti falls as well. Cheerful music plays.}

IM A BELL: YES! We're finally rid of them!

SKUB: Ceeeeeeeelebrate good times, come on!

SARAH: Wait, wh-

TRACY: Oh, you bastard!

IM A BELL: Less money spent on them, and more money for my crippling pornography addiction!

SKUB: "I'm coming for you, Mikuru body pillow- SKUB ?"

{Bell laughs maniacally.}

TRACY: How did I come from you?!

SKUB: When a man loves a woman very very much,

{End flashback.}

SKULLB: ... Well then.

NUMBER FOUR: At least, I think that's how it happened. Knowing them.

SKUB: Knowing them, I'm pretty sure he'd have blocked it out.

SKULLB: I really don't think they're that awful to you.

SKUB: You've got n-

NUMBER FOUR: You've got no idea.

SKUB: Well! I was beat to the punch by a written piece of dialog. Not my best day.

{Cut: the Cohens'. Jerry, Casey, Will, and Jerry's parents are at the table.}

FRANCIS: Well? How's the lobster?

JERRY: Tastes like the eighteen years I've spent here, Dad.

SKUB: Haha, more like 27

FRANCIS: Always good! So, Willy-boy, how's college?

WILL: Well, Dad, they call me Bill in college.

SKUB: Why settle for Bill when Will is such a douchier name?

MARIA: Oh, Will, take the creepy-crawlies from outta your underoos, will ya?

SKUB: Well by Jaysus n' Mary, we got a Newfie!

CASEY: {giggles} Underoos?

WILL: Ugh, you always embarrass me in front of company! Why don't you ever do that to Eric?

SKUB: "Because he wasn't a mistake."

JERRY: {mumbling} Good point.

FRANCIS: Now, now, Willy-boy, don't talk about Eric while he's not here!

WILL: Would you rather I talk about Jerry?

SKUB: Nnah

JERRY: Hey! It's not like I got held back freshman year!

WILL: Don't bring that up again, Jerry!

JERRY: Well maybe if you'd stop talking about that one time in second grade, I'd-

????: Guys, please. Stop fighting at the dinner table.

{A man walks into the room. He has brown hair, a navy-blue turtleneck, grey jeans, and a corncob pipe in one hand. His other hand holds a captain's hat.}

SKUB: Well if it ain't the spittin' image of some douche dressed up as Captain Ahab!

FRANCIS: Eric! Oh, my God! It's been ages!

{Francis gets up and hugs Eric. Maria hugs Eric as well.}

ERIC: Hey, all! It's great to be back!

WILL: Hey! Eric. Nice to see you again.

ERIC: Ah, Bill! You've grown a lot since freshman year!

WILL: Finally, somebody gets it right!

SKUB: yawn

JERRY: {mumbling} Brown-noser.

ERIC: Jerry? Jerry Alastair Cohen?

CASEY: {laughs} Alastair?!

SKUB: It looks like Jerry was the mistake!

{Eric walks over to Jerry and outstretches his hand.}

ERIC: C'mon, Jerry! Put 'er there!

{Jerry reluctantly shakes Eric's hand.}

JERRY: It's a pleasure to see you here, Cap'n

SKUB: Crunch

.

ERIC: Oh! And who's the charming young lady?

CASEY: Hahaha, oh, stop!

ERIC: If I may...

SKUB: "I'd like to take you home and **** that ***** until my **** can't **** any more"

{Eric kneels down, takes Casey's hand and kisses it.}

ERIC: A pleasure to see you, ma'am.

JERRY: {groans} Christ...

CASEY: Oh, oh my goodness! What a charming man!

SKUB: Oooh, Mr. Darcy

FRANCIS: Casey, you've heard about Eric, right?

CASEY: N-no, not really! Oh! Sorry, sorry...

ERIC: Not a problem, ma'am.

JERRY: And here we go again.

ERIC: I, Admiral Eric Cohen, of the Herman Melville, have traveled the many seas... in search of adventure. Why, from the island of Rokovoko to the great Aleutian archipelago, I've been staking my claim and claiming my steak...

SKUB: and reading the Wikipedia article on Moby Dick for "inspiration"

{While Eric talks, Jerry imitates him. Will starts to chuckle.}

ERIC: Hm? What is it?

{Eric turns around. Jerry is completely deadpan.}

SKUB: Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read-a my

ERIC: ... Hm, right. As I was saying, secular-

JERRY: Hey, uh, I'd love to listen to your tales of escapescapades

SKUB: icecapades

, and all, but me and Casey-

ERIC: Casey and I.

SKUB: You are the biggest douche. Forever.

JERRY: {groans} We need to step out for a second. Gotta breathe in that fresh Maine air.

SKUB: Nothing says "homey" like the smell of fish everywhere

{Jerry grabs Casey by the hand and the two walk out of the room.}

ERIC: ... Well. As I was saying, secular-

{Cut: outside the Cohen house.}

JERRY: This guy is why I didn't want to come here.

CASEY: He seems so nice, Jerry. Why would you hate him?

JERRY: Do you know what it's like to be the

SKUB: mistake, and also the

middle child?

{Flashback: the Cohen house. Jerry, age 5, is there, drawing a picture. He finishes and walks up to his father.}

JERRY: Look, daddy! I made a picture!

FRANCIS: Very nice, Jerry! ... What is it?

JERRY: It's... it's a lobster.

SKUB: Work with what you know, past-Skub.

FRANCIS: Oh... OH! Well, I guess without that extra tail it would look like one!

{Francis walks over to the refrigerator and places Jerry's picture on it, beside the multitude of drawings by Eric.}

FRANCIS: There... that looks nice...

SKUB: How is that like being a douche? Your brother just draws more, you arrogant dick.

{End flashback.}

CASEY: So, what? Eric probably drew more than you.

SKUB: Dammit, again

JERRY: Yeah? Well there was that time in Owl Scouts...

{Flashback: a campground. Jerry, age 11, is carrying a couple logs to the campground. He sets them on the ground inside a circle of stones and begins to arrange them into a haphazardly-constructed pile. Jerry glances around him and does a double take. He sees Eric standing next to a perfect campfire. Jerry sheds a tear.}

SKUB: He loves his country... and he fears for it

{End flashback.}

JERRY: He's always been Mr. Perfect... don't you get it?

SKUB: Maybe you should have been Mr. Practice, moron.

CASEY: Jerry, nobody's born perfect. Trust me.

JERRY: Hmph. Just wait until he busts out the one about when he went to Tasmania.

ERIC: {offscreen} Did I tell you all about my excursion to Tasmania?

JERRY: Heh! Better get a front row seat.

SKUB: I'd like to hear it. It sounds interesting. Be grateful you have a fun brother, man!

{Jerry walks off. Casey sighs and walks back inside.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Number Four is on the couch. SkullB walks in with a tray of deviled eggs, wearing an unsightly pastel apron.}

SKULLB: Eggs are done!

NUMBER FOUR: Thanks, I- {shocked} Buhh! ... Can you... can you take off that apron?

SKULLB: ... Why?

NUMBER FOUR: It's like- that- that apron- it's like driving nails dipped in acid right into my eyes and prying them out with a snake's teeth. I'm not trying to be mean, really.

SKUB: I actually think he is. Woman's intuition, is all.

SKULLB: Fine, I'll be right back.

{SkullB walks into the kitchen. Suddenly, the sound of glass dropping can be heard from the kitchen.

SKUB: SkullB drops to the floor, aghast, as he feels the knife plunge into his back, striking him in the heart. Before he dies, he sees the dirty boots of his killer, and then, darkness.

SkullB runs out to the living room, sans apron.}

SKULLB: You!

NUMBER FOUR: Hm?

SKULLB: You're in my spot!

NUMBER FOUR: ... Beg pardon?

SKULLB: You didn't notice the Skullbuggy-shaped dent in the couch?

SKUB: And the trophy for "biggest waste of space" goes to...!

NUMBER FOUR: We're the same shape. I assumed it was for Skullbuggies.

SKULLB: It's for one Skullbuggy, and that is me.

NUMBER FOUR: Hey, I can move!

SKULLB: Please, do.

{Number Four moves over. SkullB sits back in his proper seat.}

SKULLB: Great. You messed it up. Now it doesn't fit my butt as well.

SKUB: Cars don't have butts. Dammit.

NUMBER FOUR: Whaaaaat?

SKUB: FRIEZAAAAAAAA

{SkullB groans and gets up.}

SKULLB: I'm going upstairs. Don't you dare sit in my butt-mold.

SKUB: He's been growing it for so long!

NUMBER FOUR: Enh, okay.

{SkullB walks upstairs. Number Four shuffles into the SkullB-print.}

{Cut: the upstairs bedroom. SkullB is laying on the bed, watching television.}

SKULLB: Dangit... Why does he feel so obligated to everything I own? ... And why am I talking to myself? ... No use. I need to keep him away from everything I hold dear in my heart. If it takes me all day, I will keep him from having his way with my cool things.

{SkullB gets up and goes downstairs. He finds nobody on the couch.}

SKULLB: What the... where is he?

{SkullB runs into the kitchen to see Number Four with a mouthful of something. He is putting ice into his mouth as well.}

SKULLB: What are you-

{Number Four raises his finger and the ice and liquid in his mouth start to grind up. After about a minute, he spits the liquid into a large glass.}

NUMBER FOUR: Ahhhh...

SKULLB: What- what is that?

NUMBER FOUR: A margarita. Why?

SKULLB: Let me- let me get this straight. You're making margaritas?

NUMBER FOUR: Yep.

SKULLB: And where did you get the tequila?

NUMBER FOUR: Eh, I found it in a cabinet. I was actually looking for snacks, and-

SKULLB: So, let's see. You used my tequila and my ice and put it in your mouth and made a margarita. Is that right?

NUMBER FOUR: Look, I don't see what the deal is-

SKULLB: Can- can I have a sip of that?

NUMBER FOUR: Sure, whatever.

{SkullB takes the glass and throws it straight at Number Four. The glass shatters and Number Four is covered in margarita.}

SKULLB: How's that? Do you like your margarita now?!

NUMBER FOUR: I... uh...

SKULLB: Clean it up. And don't use the vacuum, that's mine.

{SkullB starts to walk off.}

NUMBER FOUR: That was for you, you know...

{SkullB stops in his tracks. Suddenly, he gains an expression of shock, which then turns into a sickly, sorrowful look.}

NUMBER FOUR: You don't mind if I use the broom, do you?

SKULLB: I... no, I don't.

{SkullB mopes away. Number Four begins sweeping the glass up.}

{Cut: the Cohens' house. Eric is still talking to the family.}

ERIC: And there I was, cornered by a pack of ferocious tigers. And you know what happened then?

MARIA: No, what?

ERIC: I blew my gorilla whistle-

JERRY: {simultaneously} -and the ape crushed the tigers with only its fists. I've heard it all before.

ERIC: Well! Aren't you attentive?

JERRY: I've heard them all, Eric.

WILL: Not me.

FRANCIS: I'd love to hear more stories, Eric, but we've gotta go!

ERIC: Hm?

FRANCIS: We've gotta go lobster catching!

ERIC: Oh! Right! I almost forgot!

WILL: What, do I come too?

FRANCIS: Everybody's invited! After all, you haven't lived until you've taken a huge whiff of Maine's sea air!

ERIC: Why, it almost compares to the purest mountain air from atop the peaks of the Andes!

JERRY: {groans} Oh, whatever.

{Cut: on board the White Whale, Francis' ship. The Cohens are on board, a horde of lobster pots on it.}

FRANCIS: Alright, boys. You know what to do!

{Jerry reaches into a bucket and takes a lump of chum out of it. He puts it in the lobster pot and lowers it into the water.}

FRANCIS: Well? Eric? Your turn!

{Eric reaches for the bucket and suddenly turns ill.}

ERIC: Oof... do- do we need to- to use that... stuff?

FRANCIS: That's chum, boy! Nothing to be afraid of! Just grab some!

{Eric reaches into the bucket and takes a fistfull of chum. He then immediately turns green and runs to the side of the boat. He throws up.}

WILL: Oh... oh, man! Hahahaha!

FRANCIS: Heh... can't take a little chum. Hey, Jerry?

JERRY: ... Hm?

FRANCIS: Can you help out?

JERRY: ... S-sure, Dad. I'd love to.

{Jerry sets up more lobster pots while Francis lowers them into the sea. Eric returns from throwing up to see the two working together. Eric gets a look of disdain in his face and walks into the cabin.}

{Cut: the cabin, later. Eric is sitting down, looking sad. Jerry walks in.}

JERRY: ... Eric?

ERIC: Hm? What is it?

JERRY: Why're you in here? We just caught a huge lobster!

ERIC: ... They don't want me out there.

JERRY: What the...

{Jerry sits down beside Eric.}

JERRY: Why?

ERIC: I can't stand fish. Or lobsters. It's... it's a fear. In a family of lobstermen, I'm worthless. And there you are, helping him out like a nice little boy... I just wished I could have helped.

JERRY: ... Eric, I... I never knew.

{Pause.}

ERIC: Why do you think I do such amazing things?

JERRY: Wh- what?

ERIC: I do it because I applied myself. I've noticed how you get annoyed whenever I talk about my adventures... and when you were a kid, I knew you were a bit... envious.

JERRY: Envious? N-no!

ERIC: Oh, I'm sorry... the thing is, I've worked hard to get where I am. Dad was really hard on me... but I don't know why he wasn't to you.

JERRY: Why do you think? He wanted you to be his apprentice... his next-in-line. He needed to continue the lobsterman tradition, right?

ERIC: ... Good point. I just don't see why he didn't pick you.

JERRY: Dad's getting old, you know... he needs somebody strong and able-bodied to take his place.

ERIC: ... I see.

{Pause.}

ERIC: Jerry?

JERRY: Hm?

ERIC: I'm sorry if I've made you feel bad about yourself. I didn't mean to make you feel less important.

JERRY: And I'm sorry I made you out to be a jerk. I... thought you were perfect, that's all...

ERIC: Jerry... nobody's born perfect.

{Jerry and Eric hug eachother.}

{Cut: the Living Room. SkullB is on the couch, holding his head in his hands. Number Four walks in, holding a tray of drinks. He quietly takes a seat beside SkullB and lays the tray on the coffee table.}

NUMBER FOUR: ... Skully?

SKULLB: {forlorn} What is it?

NUMBER FOUR: I made... I made margaritas. And I bought the margarita mix and the tequila myself...

SKULLB: Oh, don't bother. I'm an awful brother.

NUMBER FOUR: Look, I'm... I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to be so intrusive.

SKULLB: What are you talking about?! I was the one being an idiot. I didn't let you into my house... and you're my brother.

NUMBER FOUR: Well, I didn't respect your house rules. I probably should have known I was in somebody else's house.

SKULLB: But, still... You're my brother, and I should treat you like it. I shouldn't be imposing so many rules.

NUMBER FOUR: I guess... we're both to blame!

SKULLB: Yeah...

NUMBER FOUR: Are you going to have your margarita?

SKULLB: I'd be honored.

{SkullB and Number Four clink their glasses together and take a drink. An owl perches on the couch behind them.}

OWL: Ohhh, how sweet. I could totally cry right now.

SKULLB: ... I swear, one of these days I'm going to kill that owl.

{Cue credits.}