The Complete History of Life on Earth

THERE WERE some cells, but nothing ever really moved of its own accord. Then, one day, they just suddenly decided to be alive - running away from scary things and bonding together. Eventually, they got out of microscopic level and became PLANTS! Underwater plants, of course. They did have a rather unusual method of reproduction, though - they were fish THEN became plants later on when they found somewhere they wanted to settle down. Of course, a bunch of party animals, never-wanna-grow-up yuppie-types decided they weren't going to settle down and become as boring as their parents, and everyone had to find a new way to reproduce. Plants had to spurt plain 'ol seeds, and fish had to force themselves to gain genitalia.

EVOLUTION!

SO NOW the ocean is getting rather crowded, so some crab says "this is rather crowded" "man i got an idea we'll WALK on LAND!" and they do and the Smithsonian tells me that one of those crabs was a TV reporter for a news channel. Or that could have been fiction made to get kids interested. I'd say the real life T-Rex in the center is interesting enough, but that's just me. Anyway, so now some plants decide they want in on the action and bam, you have some molds and stuff. Then some fish ladies decide that being able to be on land longer than anyone else is a total turn-on, so these genes get passed down. Also, the first tree was literally a stump and nothing else.

EVOLUTION!

DINOSAURS HECK YEAH! You've got, like, 4 eras of Dinosaurdom, all while this little fuzzy mouse bides its time. Then, the ice age happened and the mouse ROARED. Once the ice had all cleared, there were no dinosaurs left, only plants. Mammals ruled the Earth, allowing new and exciting mammals to evolve. Reptiles evolved out of nothing, too. But by then it didn't matter - reptiles no longer ruled planet Earth. MONKEYS did. Somewhere along the line,baldness and intelligence became a turn-on. Oh, and short-to-nonexistant tails.

EVOLUTION!

AND THUS, humans were born. In the beginning it was tough. You hardly had any time to think about what you were doing, all you knew was that you had to survive. If PeTA were around, they probably would have killed off the entire human race in a frenzy for killing so many animals. However, somewhere along the line your forehead shifted back, and you became the HOMO-SAPIEN! Congratulations! "chucking these rocks don't do much" "man i got an idea we'll invent SPEARS" "i can't throw spears too well" "man i got an idea we'll invent the BOW AND ARROW". During this time, many things were invented, some failed, some unfailed. The Wheel and Fire were rather successful, but have you heard of the Stone Age chicken-plucker? No, you haven't. Meanwhile, we're deciding to start wearing more clothes, settling down a bit, and eating plants. So somebody gets the bright idea to figure out what makes these plants tick (a fine moment for scientific inquiry) and comes up with the Seed Theory, which is widely accepted as fact. So he started stealing all these seeds and planting them where he felt like, and the Bronze Age had begun!

EVOLUTION!

SO NOW you have ethics and morals and languages, which provides excellent opportunity to become rude little devils, now that you can plan out HOW you want to torture the beavers and THAT YOU ARE torturing them. Cavemen had an excuse, but not you! So then, nations were formed, ideas spread, and wealth had. And it was good. A little bit of a break, I know this seems a bit human-centric, but there's not much else happening right now. Later on you get to see Dodo Bird die a miserable death, but not now. So Rome and Egypt and India are all pretty big contenders for first Supernation. Unfortunately, Rome decided to do all sorts of stupid stuff and ended up killing them off with barbarians, fire, and retardation. Egypt, on the other hand, turned from a sprawling green jungle to a barren yellow desert because the Nile River was closed off and the Pacific had entered El Nino. That leaves India, which grows and splits much like their ancestor, the amoeba. Meanwhile, all those other countries decide they all want to be successful, too, so then they actually start trying. There was no communication between the two cultural evolutions, thus a large cultural divide between Europe and Asia and Africa (which hadn't done much this entire time) had cultural divides.

EVOLUTION!

ENGLAND! Now we have finally gotten over our barbaric ancestry, and have moved on to the civilized life - burning cats in mid-day for entertainment, making fun of the Frenchies, and religion not opposed to science. Then everyone becomes a bit TOO complacent and enters the dark ages due to the black plague. At last, somebody has the courage to day "Hey, why don't we avoid doing what those idiot Romans did, and stop putting dead bodies in our water supply", thus entering the Enlightenment. OH, did I mention we're STILL in the god-damned Bronze Age? Yeah, seriously.So then America happens, and I'm sure you all know what happens there. If you don't, well, that's for another time...

EVOLUTION!

BORING! We have entered the 19th century, and history has gotten boring. Sure, occasionally there's some Yellow Fever, but otherwise we're pretty complacent. Also, we finally managed to kill off that little bastard Dodo and leave the Bronze Age and enter the shortest Age so far, the Industrial Age, which lasts about 60 or so years before giving way to the Information Age, which has been going for 20 or so years now. Nothing much interesting we haven't already covered in this series, and you've experienced the rest. I guess this is the end...?