Wikihood/eps/8

Transcript

{Open to Chaos and Lex in the Mattress Warehouse. Chaos has just finished explaining the details of his HappyMart job with Lex.}

LEX: Sorry you had to deal with that shit, mon.

CHAOS: I'm not sure how anyone puts up with HappyMart's shit.

LEX: People sometimes do desperate things.

{Chaos hears "desperate things" echo, and smiles.}

LEX: If ya want, I could see if I could hook ya' up with a job here.

CHAOS: I have a much better idea. Hold on.

{Chaos pulls the HappyMart flier from out of his pocket which advertised the fundraiser. He slams it onto the counter. Lex picks it up and reads it.}

CHAOS: Let me give you a hint; it starts with "Xavier" and ends with "D'Arque's Senatorial Campaign."

LEX: ...hosted at The Rosenberg Association Ballroom... sponsored by HappyMart... Hm.

CHAOS: This job seems nice and all, but surely you must find it boring.

{Lex puts the flier down.}

LEX: I like boring. Ya get into less trouble that way.

CHAOS: This is better. Don't you miss the excitement? The thrill? The action?

LEX: I do, but- I'd rather ya not get sent back to prison again. It's not even been a month, brudda!

CHAOS: You forget the Eleventh Commandment - "Thou shalt not get caught."

LEX: It was you who forgot it.

{Lex deliberates.}

LEX: Let me sleep on it. I'll see how I feel about this in the morning.

{Chaos looks around the store.}

CHAOS: Such a big and open area, no staff, no customers. We could make this our base of operations!

LEX: Let me think about it.

{Cut to Lex's bedroom at 7:00AM, the next morning. The alarm goes off, and it is immediately switched off by Chaos, who is standing over Lex's bed.}

CHAOS: You slept on it. You in or not?

LEX: Ah, for fuck's sake, mon. You ain't gonna change yer mind on this, are ya?

CHAOS: Have I ever been the kind of person to change my mind about anything?

LEX: Ya've always been a stubborn prick. I'm in.

{Chaos cheers.}

CHAOS: Ha, yes! I'm thinking we can even bring the old crew back together. Rashid, Headwiz, Elhera, hell, even Toby!

LEX: That's gonna be a tough titty for you, bruh. For one, Toby's dead.

CHAOS: No way! Fuck, how?

LEX: Barfight gone wrong. Picked a fight with a bunch of Dwarven Hellriders. He got stabbed to death after he called 'em a bunch of "stumps."

CHAOS: Fuckin' Toby! The guy was a racist cock, but he was an awesome getaway driver. I guess he's out of the picture. What about the others?

LEX: Rashid moved back to Lebanon. I wrote to him a while back. He's apparently selling his specialized gadget skills to the highest bidder, although, the last I heard from him, he was runnin' with the Lebanese military. He's been MIA for a while.

CHAOS: Fuckin' really?

LEX: As for Elhera, I saw her with some Elf bikers the other day...

CHAOS: ...playing for a different team? I thought she was going to retire.

LEX: So did I. As for Headwiz... Well. Headwiz is Headwiz. Tha girl's a flake.

CHAOS: We should still try her. I don't know any other hackers. Besides, she won't be flaky when she realizes how much she'll be paid.

LEX: Do you know how much we'll be getting paid?

CHAOS: Well, tickets for the event alone are going for $200... And there's an expected attendance of around 500 people at the least... That's not to mention private donations too.

LEX: Mighty Jah, wow.

CHAOS: I know, right? I've yet to calculate the total, but I do know that is a shitload.

{Cut to the interior of the Rosenberg Association. Leigh is in Jacqueline's office. Sitting next to him is Jules. Jacqueline is sitting at the desk while looking at piece of paper.}

JACQUELINE: I have to say, Leigh. My expectations for you were... not that high, but you have surprised me quite pleasantly. Especially so, for someone who couldn't barely hold a job. You've singlehandedly increased company productivity in the two weeks you've been around.

{Jacqueline looks up at Leigh and half-jokingly makes a remark.}

JACQUELINE: What are you?

LEIGH: I'm a Human. Born in... Michigan.

{Jacqueline scoffs.}

JACQUELINE: Not like that. I mean, how have you done such good work when your history says otherwise?

LEIGH: Well... I haven't been the luckiest man around. Things eventually go wrong and it usually screws me up.

JULES: Yo bruv, don't let that get ya down! I've been fuckin' up my entire life, and I don't even got a job!

JACQUELINE: Right. Anyway, as you are aware, we have the fundraiser for Xavier D'Arque coming up in a couple of days, and I would like you to help us organize it.

{Stephanie walks in. Jacqueline stands up and introduces her.}

JACQUELINE: This is Stephanie Young, Mr. D'Arque's personal assistant. You two are to assist her in its organization.

{Stephanie shakes both Leigh and Jules' hands.}

STEPHANIE: Pleased to meet you both.

LEIGH: And you too!

JULES: Eyy, whazzup, sis!!

{Stephanie looks taken aback.}

STEPHANIE: Not a whole lot, actually.

{Short pause.}

STEPHANIE: Now that we're all formally introduced... I would like to figure out how we're going to handle this fundraiser?

LEIGH: What are Mr. D'Arque's strengths?

{Stephanie strokes her chin.}

STEPHANIE: ...we could focus on the good he's done at San Crystal-balls...

{Jules stifles laughter.}

STEPHANIE: What?

LEIGH: I thought it was San Cristobal.

{Stephanie feigns incredulity.}

STEPHANIE: I had no idea.

{Jules bursts into laughter.}

STEPHANIE: I think I can make this work... we've got an assortment of cuisine coming in from the Drow communities all over...

{Leigh's interest is visibly piqued.}

LEIGH: Ooh! Do you have the menu?!

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: Uh, sure.

LEIGH: You won't regret it!

STEPHANIE: I take it you're one of those Humans with an interest in Drow culture?

{Leigh cocks a brow. He looks around.}

LEIGH: You could say that. It's not unusual to be from Michigan and know some guys outside of Detroit.

{Stephanie's eyelids lower.}

STEPHANIE: You don't say... You know most Elves don't feign being human anymore, right?

{Leigh speaks a bit angrily}

LEIGH: Why yes, I am well aware of that. I am also aware that the keyword is most.

STEPHANIE: Message received. I can't get the menu to you right now, but I can email it to you, assuming you have the standard address.

JULES: Yo, send one to me too. I don't have a company address, it's LLCoolJules at Yahoo.

STEPHANIE: Colour me unsurprised. Yeah sure, I'll send you one.

{Cut back to Lex and Chaos in the dining room. Lex is dressed in his ordinary clothes, and the two are drawing up plans on papers laid across the table. Garfield walks into the living room, dressed in his work clothes. He hangs his coat on the coat rack, and notices the planning documents all over the table, along with the flier, which is now hanging on the wall. Chaos stands up to greet him.}

CHAOS: Oh hey, Garfield. We're, um-... planning a birthday party for-...

{Garfield ignores Chaos and looks at the poster, and then at the documents on the table. He raises an eyebrow.}

GARFIELD: You're organizing a heist against D'Arque's fundraiser at the Rosenberg Association, aren't you?

CHAOS: Uh...

LEX: Yes. You figured that out quickly.

CHAOS: Wanna join?

{Lex chastises Chaos.}

LEX: You're including him in this? Brudda, you know he's not suited to this stuff! He-

GARFIELD: Count me in.

CHAOS: Score!

GARFIELD: My Oath of Fealty to Stephanie Young requires I not lie to her in word or deed. She will immediately know, which makes my margin of error for fucking up extremely low...

{Chaos looks confused.}

GARFIELD: But I could never resist me a good challenge. If I can outsmart D'Arque, that's as good as having robbed him.

LEX: Are you sure, mon?

GARFIELD: I'm not as much of a novice as you think I am. I've gotten into my fair share of scrambles. What's been planned so far? Do you have a crew? How about guns?

CHAOS: Whoa, mate. No guns.

LEX: Ya, no guns.

CHAOS: Guns are too fucking messy. You start shooting and you start a riot. Just, no. Besides, I don't want any blood on my hands. I'm a professional, not a murderer.

GARFIELD: Fair.

LEX: I'm going to see if I can get a hacker. Chaos and I know this gal who is the best in this city.

CHAOS: And I am going to see if I can get us some copies of the building's blueprints from Town Hall.

GARFIELD: I presume Chaos is the Mastermind and Lex is the Burglar, then? I could be your con-man. I can be very convincing at times.

CHAOS: We still need a getaway driver and an inside man. Do you know anybody?

GARFIELD: I could contact my friend, Tracy, and see if he wants to be involved. As for a getaway driver, I know just the man.

CHAOS: Excellent. Let's do this. We'll meet back at Lex's job. It's nice and big over there.

{The three of them split up. Cut to Chaos entering Town Hall. He is immediately greeted by Noelle, the receptionist.}

NOELLE: Oh hey, you're the one who tripped!

{Chaos goes red.}

CHAOS: Oh great. Is that what you remember me by?

{Noelle chuckles.}

NOELLE: I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at you. It's unprofessional, besides, we all have our clumsy moments!

CHAOS: Oh no, please! Laugh at me as much as you'd like! It was pretty funny!

{Noelle smiles.}

NOELLE: Are you here to see the Mayor again? Becuase he's unfortunately out of town at the moment.

CHAOS: Actually, I was hoping to see if I could get a blueprint from one of the archives! You see, I'm... um... pursuing an architecture hobby, and I'm looking for inspiration.

NOELLE: An architect, eh? Sure thing. Come with me.

{Noelle gestures Chaos to follow her. She leads him to a staircase at the end of the building, leading down towards the basement.}

CHAOS: So, um... You work here often?

NOELLE: Well, it is my job. I'm here from opening to closing, from Monday to Thursday.

CHAOS: Friday's off, huh? Lucky.

{The two walk through a basement corridor while still talking.}

NOELLE: How about you? Do you have a job?

CHAOS: This is my job, sort of.

NOELLE: I thought you said it was a hobby.

CHAOS: ...They tie into each other.

{Noelle laughs.}

NOELLE: You're pursuing your passions? Wow, that sounds fun, actually!

{Chaos blushes. Finally, they find themselves at a door. Noelle pulls out a key and unlocks it. Leading them into a room full of filing cabinets. The two of them walk in.}

NOELLE: Do you know what you're looking for?

CHAOS: I need the blueprints to the Rosenberg building, y'know, the one on 5th Street.

NOELLE: Alright! Say, did you hear about the fundraiser that they're having there? For that D'Arque guy?

{Chaos nervously chuckles. Noelle leads him to a filing cabinet in the middle of the room, where she proceeds to open it.}

CHAOS: Y-yeah. I saw him here a few days ago.

NOELLE: He comes by pretty often to speak to the Mayor. Don't tell anybody about this, but I don't think the Mayor likes him too much. He always looks so spooked whenever he's around.

CHAOS: I'm not a huge fan either. How about you?

NOELLE: From what I see of him on TV, he seems like a nice guy, and he's friendly enough to me. I don't know, really.

{Chaos scrolls through the files, before pulling out the plans for the Rosenberg skyscraper.}

CHAOS: There it is! Thank you so much, Noelle!

{Noelle smiles.}

NOELLE: Anytime, Mr... what's your name?

CHAOS: Cha-... Felix. Felix Zabat.

{Noelle shakes Chaos' hand. Chaos goes red.}

NOELLE: In that case, you're welcome, Felix!

{Jules pulls Leigh off to the side, his arm around his shoulder}

JULES: Hey man, hey. It's alright, he didn't know. No need to flip your tits, aight?

LEIGH: You're right, you're right. Hey, I wanted to ask you something, you have a "Crew" you roll with, right?

{Jules starts to look a little nervous}

JULES: Uh... yeah. Definitely do. You aren't my only real friend, that's for sure.

LEIGH: We need security for the event, right? I thought who better for the job than the most intimidating guy I know.

JULES: I dunno, man. You ever hear of Altamont?

LEIGH: No.

JULES: In that case, I'll do it. Just let me go uh... Call my "Crew"...

{Jules runs off around the corner}

JULES: Oh shit.

{Cut to Lex standing outside the front door to a house in a suburban neighborhood. The house is painted entirely in black, contrasting with the ordinary houses surrounding it. It is also covered with security cameras, all which are currently pointed at Lex. He rings the doorbell.}

LEX: 'Ello, is anybody home?

DOORBELL: STATE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, EMAIL ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, AND PROOF THAT YOU ARE NOT A FED.

LEX: Uh... My name is Lex... I live in a pierogi bar on 26807 Sunshine Avenue... I don't have an email address, and my phone number is-...

{Suddenly, the door opens. Lex is greeted by a woman wearing glasses and scruffy clothing. She is in her late-20s and also of mixed Japanese-European heritage.}

HEADWIZ: Fucking Lex, after all this time! Come in, come in!

{Lex follows Headwiz into her house, which is absolutely cluttered with PC parts, pizza boxes, and cats. All of the curtains are drawn, leaving the room with no light other than that from the countless computer monitors.}

HEADWIZ: Sit down, sit down! Lemme get you something. Do you want coffee, an energy drink, or a Headwiz special?

LEX: What's a Headwiz Special?

HEADWIZ: It's a coffee with an energy drink poured into it. Great for gaming marathons.

LEX: I'll jus' have a glass'a water.

HEADWIZ: Pfft, fuckin' boring choice, but alright. One BORING glass of water, comin' right up!

{Headwiz heads to her kitchen. Lex looks around the living room. The walls are absolutely covered, with items such as "I Want To Believe" Posters with UFOs, 9/11 Truth Booklets, Anime Posters, and a Playboy pinup. Headwiz returns, holding a glass of water in one hand and a cup of coffee in another. She sets the two on the coffee table before sitting down.}

HEADWIZ: Whazzup, my White Jamaican Alien friiiiiiend? I heard Chaos got released from the clink. Still can't believe he got caught in the first place.

LEX: About that, actually. We're plannin' a heist against the D'Arque Charity Fundraiser, and we're wonderin' if you wanna join in.

{Headwiz sits up. Light reflects on her glasses, giving them a glow as a manic smile appears on her face. She suddenly jumps up in excitement.}

HEADWIZ: Another heist with you cool cats? I am SO FUCKING IN! It's gonna be fucking awesome! You do not fucking know how much I fucking missed doing this shit with you guys, fuck! Is Toby in?

LEX: Toby's dead.

HEADWIZ: Ahh, that's a fucking shame. Fucker probably deserved it, though.

LEX: Are ya sure that ya up to it? I mean, this is a big 'un.

HEADWIZ: Look. I'm a hacker, I do this shit on a daily fucking basis! This is child's play to me. Of course, I'm fucking up to it!

{Lex laughs.}

LEX: Ey, just makin' sure, mon. Thanks, Hitomi. I'll send you the details through IRC.

HEADWIZ: I've got a shitload of new gadgets, and I've been itching to try them. Let's do this shit!

{Cut to Garfield and Tracy in Surreal Cereals.}

TRACY: That D'Arque bloke did what?

GARFIELD: Yes, and I figured this would be the best way to punish him. So, you in?

TRACY: Blimey, Garfield. I dunno if I want to risk my good name to be tarnished. It might be hard to sell cereals in publique if this gets nasty.

GARFIELD: Don't worry about that. You'll have a disguise. Do you know any glamour spells, by any chance?

TRACY: Go smoke a pipe. I'm not quite at Archmage level myself. But yeah, I'm still in. I really do need the money.

GARFIELD: Chaos wanted us to meet at the Mattress Warehouse, where Lex works.

TRACY: I'll be there shortly. I'm sure you can use all the magical firepower you can get your hands on. Do you have anyone else?

GARFIELD: I just need to get a getaway driver, and I think we'll be good.

{Cut to a large log-home in a hilly rural area. An instrumental of "Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver plays. A caption appears on-screen, reading "Phoenixshire, West Virginia." A young man with a short ginger walks out of the front door of the home. He is wearing a baseball cap, a plaid button-up shirt, and blue jeans with a belt. He is talking on his phone.}

YOUNG MAN: So, ya sayin' that you need yourselves a getaway driver? Why, cuz, I'm just happy that ya thought'a me t'help you. Of course I'm in!

{Mumbling on the other end of the phone.}

YOUNG MAN: Oh, don't ya worry 'bout plane tickets, I'll be there. Any excuse to hang out is good enough for me. Besides, how can I pass up an opportunity to stick it to the big boys?

{Mumbling.}

YOUNG MAN: Aw nah, thank you! You can bet I'll bring my fastest ride. Why, I got me a wagon that can outrun any police car by miles. I'll see ya soon, man.

{The man hangs up. A little girl runs out of the house and towards the man.}

LITTLE GIRL: Who was that, Virgil? Was it one of those damn telemarketers again?

VIRGIL: Hey, watch yer swearin'! It ain't proper for such a young lady to use that kinda language. But nah, it was our Cousin Garf! He invited me over for a... um... friendly gatherin'.

LITTLE GIRL: Oh wow, can I come?

VIRGIL: Now, now, Melissa. I don't think Ma and Pa would like it if I took you to a city on the other side of the country. Not yet, at least. I'll tell Garf ya said hi, though. And maybe even a souvenir if you been good!

{Virgil walks behind the house, where there is revealed to be a large garage full of cars. He walks up to one that is offscreen and smirks.}

VIRGIL: Now, this is a getaway vehicle.

{Cut to Stephanie on her phone.}

STEPHANIE: Okay, so you guys have the Security? Good, I don't exactly trust my newfound allies to pack any heat. Though, Leigh might be useful in a fight... I'll have to assess him.

{More muffled noises.}

STEPHANIE: Be here in thirty minutes. Farewell.

{Stephanie hangs up. She walks over to Jacqueline, who is taking a call herself.}

JACQUELINE: Sir, I assure you. Our security is top notch.

{Mumbling.}

JACQUELINE: Right. That's understandable. Alright. I will see you soon.

{Jacqueline gets off the phone.}

JACQUELINE: That was Mr. "Alistair Hawthorne," one of the guests for tomorrow evening. He is incredibly paranoid about our level of security and he wishes to check for himself whether or not it is up to his standards.

{She looks at Leigh, who is standing next to her.}

JACQUELINE: I trust that you will be able to escort this man around? Enough to alleviate his concerns, at least?

LEIGH: Of course! I can do that!

{Cut to Chaos, Lex, Garfield, Headwiz, and Tracy, who are gathered in the office room of Mattress Warehouse, which has been converted into a planning room with a drawing board and everything. "Alistair Hawthorne" is revealed to be Tracy, who just got off the phone.}

TRACY: {In a fake-Australian accent.} How did I do, mates?

CHAOS: I just don't know why you had to use that ridiculous accent.

TRACY: Mock me for my accents as much as you like; you're the one who got laughed out by a bunch of hipsters.

{Headwiz bursts into laughter.}

HEADWIZ: BUT CHAOS IS THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER! I MEAN, WHO CALLS HIMSELF "CHAOS," ANYWAY?

CHAOS: It was the name I chose for myself when I went to magic school!

{Chaos shrugs.}

CHAOS: It just sort of stuck!

TRACY: I dunno why you still use it. I abandoned mine a long time ago.

LEX: What was yours, mon?

TRACY: ..."Darkheart."

{Headwiz laughs even harder.}

HEADWIZ: HAH, WHAT A STUPID NAME! THAT'S LIKE CHAOS, BUT EVEN WORSE!

TRACY: You know a lot about stupid names, "Headwiz."

HEADWIZ: Screw you, Headwiz is a cool hacker name. You don't know shit about cool names.

GARFIELD: I think they're all cool names if it means anything.

CHAOS: It doesn't.

TRACY: Hey, where's our getaway driver?

GARFIELD: He's on his way. He'll be here by tomorrow.

HEADWIZ: It's a shame Elhera ain't here. This heist is a total sausagefest.

CHAOS: You're only saying that because you liked to ogle her.

{Headwiz shrugs.}

HEADWIZ: What can I say? She was fuckin' hot.

LEX: To be fair, we're not doin' well in regards to diversity. We're all a buncha humans. She would'a least fit the bill for a non-human.

CHAOS: Oh, come on. What is this? An affirmative action crime caper?

{Tracy raises his hand.}

TRACY: If it means anything, my nonna was partly Elven.

CHAOS: It doesn't. Anyway, let's get to the real shit, shall we? We all know our roles in this, correct?

{Everybody nods.}

CHAOS: Great. Tomorrow evening, we are going to rob the biggest event in Townindale. They're gonna raise some funds, but we're gonna raise the roof!

HEADWIZ: Lame fuckin' line, Chaos.

CHAOS: Shut up! Anyway, are we all good for tomorrow?

{Everybody cheers.}

CHAOS: Fuckin' A! After this is all done, we'll all be dining on steak and champagne!

{Tracy raises his hand.}

TRACY: I'm a vegetarian.

CHAOS: ...Steak and champagne, plus any vegetarian options!

{Everybody cheers.}