Wikihood/eps/7

Summary

Instead of returning to crime, Chaos gets the bright idea of getting a job. He hates it.

Transcript

{Open to Chaos watching television on the living room couch at noon during a weekday, with his feet resting on the bag of ski essentials that he bought in Episode 4. Lex and Garfield are at work. Chaos is alone, and he is bored and irritable. He sighs. He flicks through the television channels, commenting on each one. Each channel shows archetypically mundane daytime television, from house redecoration and cooking shows to golf.}

CHAOS: Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

{Chaos carries on flicking through the channels. He lands on an international news channel. A dwarven gentleman with a posh English accent and a well-tailored suit is presenting in front of giant globe. The globe looks similar to the one we have in real life, but close inspection shows the presence of several more islands and an extra continent in the South Pacific Ocean.}

THROVIN IRONBROW: My name is Throvin Ironbrow and you are watching CBB News International. The Democratic Elven Republic of North Syllahona has considered the possibility of nuclear disarmament after re-establishing diplomatic relations with the human domain. In a joint statement with President Nithea Valodue of South Syllahona, the illusive Supreme Leader, Eltaor Joven-Yun has agreed to engage in talks with the United Nations.

CHAOS: Oh joy. Politics.

THROVIN IRONBROW: Despite a long history of hostility towards the human domain, North Syllahona has famously maintained diplomatic relations with the Republic of Pulau Syurga, which is located in South East-Asia, even enjoying diplomatic visits from its leader, General Agostino Torratz. Some speculate that Torratz could play a part in peace talks between the human domain and the Elven Republic, while others fear that his long history of human rights abuses may complicate the issue further, as-

{Chaos turns the television off. He lifts his arms to stretch and he yawns.}

CHAOS: Bored. Ugh, is there ANYTHING to do?

{A vision of Garfield appears in Chaos' mind.}

GARFIELD: You could always get a job. You've been here for long enough, now it's time to pull your own weight.

{A vision of Lex also appears.}

LEX: Ya, mon. Quit bein' such a freeloader and get your ass off the couch! Get a job, mon!

CHAOS: Shut up! You two aren't even real! You're the manifestations of my guilt!

{The visions disappear. A new vision appears of an elderly man in exquisite battle robes, long dark-grey hair, and a black beard. Despite his advanced age, the man is significantly physically fit, with a presence that is particularly intimidating and legendary. The man roars at Chaos.}

????: FELIX!!!

CHAOS: Don't you even bother. I am not doing this today, not ever.

{That vision also vanishes.}

CHAOS: Ugh. Maybe it is time to get a job.

{Chaos looks at the bag of ski essentials.}

CHAOS: Or at least something temporary... until I can really make some good money. Yeah!

{Zoom in on Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: It's time to go JOB HUNTING.

{Zoom out to reveal more of the apartment complex that Chaos is exiting from. In the pierogi shoppe below, Leigh and Gordon come into the scene.}

GORDON: I swear, Leigh. There's this lad who makes some of the finest pierogis I've ever 'ad!

{Leigh looks around.}

LEIGH: Gonna keep it real with you chief, I am not really in the "pierogi" mood.

{Volkov enters with a fresh tray of pierogis.}

VOLKOV: DID SOMEONE SAY NOT IN THE PIEROGI MOOD?!

{Volkov throws a pierogi into Leigh's mouth.}

VOLKOV: Your day not begin until you've had my pierogies!

{Leigh begins nervously chewing on the pierogi. He proceeds to chew a little more confidently once he realizes it tastes good. He swallows, not long after.}

LEIGH: Wow, these pierogis are good!

GORDON: I told you, lad! I told you these pierogies are amazin'!

{Leigh proceeds to have more pierogis. Gordon follows suit, not long after. Cut to Garfield at Surreal Cereals sees Tracy. Tracy greets him in the fake Cockney accent.}

TRACY: 'Ello mate, welcome t'Surreal Cereals! What would ya li-

{Tracy switches to a natural Californian accent.}

TRACY: Oh, hey, Garfield!

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm here to deliver a resume to your head honcho.

{Tracy looks around.}

TRACY: I thought things at NoxCorp were swimmingly well?

{Garfield shakes his head.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Not for me. For Chaos.

{Garfield gives a sheet of paper to Tracy.}

TRACY: I, uh, will give his number a call.

{Garfield smiles, giving Tracy a thumbs-up.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} Thanks. I hear he's a Wizard so I figured he might want some help fitting into Towningdale. Know any other fine establishments with Wizards in them?

TRACY: Why are you whispering?

{Garfield points at a crowd of hipsters that are eyeing him as he's talking to Tracy.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} I'm being watched.

TRACY: Mate, they're harmless.

{Garfield closes his eyes.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} That's what you said last time.

TRACY: I appreciate you giving me a new contact.

GARFIELD: {whispering} Do you still have the Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Deluxe cereal? I'd like it with a Pepsi, if at all possibru.

{Tracy goes over the stock of cereals.}

TRACY: We have it.

{Garfield slips Tracy a $20.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} How big are your mason jars and how big are your Pepsi cups?

{Garfield slips Tracy a second $20.}

TRACY: You sound like you're coming in here with criminal intent.

GARFIELD: {whispering} No. I have yet to shave my entire body, put on a white dress, dye my hair blonde, and find the right pair of thigh-highs and Timbs from Nooyawk to go with-

{Tracy's face whitens.}

GARFIELD: {whispering} What?

TRACY: Let's discuss this in a booth, shall we? I'll be there in a sec, I just need to make myself a cuppa.

{Garfield heads toward a booth. Tracy quickly makes himself a cup of drip coffee and brings it over to the booth along with Garfield's items. He sits down.}

TRACY: So... this "Chaos" fellow. Another wizard, eh? How did you hear of him?

GARFIELD: He's my housemate. And yeah, he conjured up a storm at the bank a couple of days ago!

{Tracy scoffs.}

TRACY: That's hardly befitting for a wizard. I'm pretty sure storms are meant to be created outside.

{Tracy tries to take a sip from his cup, but recoils as it's too hot for him.}

TRACY: Ow, damn it.

{Tracy levitates his spoon and silently casts a spell on it to automatically stir the coffee in the cup. Garfield chuckles.}

TRACY: What's his actual name, anyway? Presuming it's not actually Chaos, because that would be kinda fuckin' cringe.

GARFIELD: Coming from the guy who used to call himself "Darkheart."

TRACY: Touche.

GARFIELD: But no, his real name is Felix. Felix... Abraxas Zabat, if I recall?

{Tracy raises an eyebrow.}

TRACY: Abraxas, you say? He's not related to The Great Malifact, is he?

GARFIELD: I have absolutely no idea who that is.

TRACY: Oh man, he is a huge deal among magic users. His trading card is incredibly hard to obtain, like, it goes for big money on eBay auctions.

GARFIELD: That tells me nothing!

TRACY: Sorry, sorry. But yeah, I know some people. Ordinary people, I mean. For an ordinary job. Not wizardy people for a wizardy job. You can tell him that he's always welcome to attend our monthly meetings, though. I'll give you our pamplet so you can give it to him.

{Tracy pulls a pamphlet out of his pocket and hands it to Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Thanks, Tracy. And this Great Malifact guy?

TRACY: Just Google him. He's practically a celebrity! It would be cool if your friend was related to him, though!

{Tracy stands up.}

TRACY: Anyhoo, it's time to get back to work. I'll make a phone call right now. I know of a place that's hiring! It's... not very good, though.

GARFIELD: I'm sure it will be fine.

{Cut to Chaos pacing around the living room while reading from the "jobs" section of the newspaper.}

CHAOS: Unqualified... unqualified... unqualified- Oh hey, I'm qualified for that one- Oh goddamn it, it's in Rivergate, that's miles away! Shame, really. I would have loved to work in a clock museum. Ugh.

{Chaos slumps down on the couch and sighs.}

CHAOS: It's gonna take a long time to get a job in this economy.

{Suddenly, Chaos' phone rings. He answers it.}

CHAOS: Hello?

{Phone mumblings. Chaos' eyes widen.}

CHAOS: Wait? Really? Without an interview? Seriously? Like that? Right now? Wow. Thank you! I'll be right there!