Yahtzee Style Reviews/Dota2

Noxigar does a review to make Strong Intelligent and Seph Intelligent stop harassing each other about which ones' rants are worse.

Review

Yo. I'm not a Paul Heyman guy. I'm also not a Valve guy. I can never hope to like Valve as much as other people on anywhere. I don't give a damn aboot Half-Life or Portal, and the fact is the only Valve game I could bother with is Dota 2. So here it is.

I played Dota 1 via WarCraft III: The Frozen Throne. Some grizzfarb thought it'd be a brilliant idea to take a Hero-centric game like WarCraft III and then proceed to make half the micromanaging aspects of it, like controlling and making an army to help your Hero, completely out of the picture. Some of my frenemies obsessed over it, so I got into it and liked Venomancer. Basically, Venomancer's a dude who stuffs enemies full of poison and pushes whichever path you decide to go for (top, middle, or bottom path) and make the enemy beg for mercy. He's rotten, he's mean, he's my kind of guy. Now, before we question the credibility of my words, I shall promptly continue onward.

The pathing in most MOBAs is buggy as balls. I still need to get through the bleeding tutorial, and Dota 2 glitches more often than Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly, which I name the worst game I could have ever played. So gameplay's a bit more iffy on this than in League of Legends. That said, Dota 2 is still playable and I still get to enjoy a can of whoopass with my doublemint gum as I build Venomancer with the intent to assassinate and shove the lane into a brick wall while I find other cripple anime commandos to play as so I'm not stuck whenever I can't just win Dota 2 with Venomancer. Other characters I like include Anti-Mage and Crystal Maiden, albeit I must first perform as them in the tutorials to see if I like them or if I should stop looking up the Dota 2 tag on Tumblr for inspiration on what to do.

Too bad Fred Gallagher and Snoop Lion couldn't get in on this game and make it 1,000 times superior. The graphics are ugly/stiff, the music laughably forgettable, and you have an experiencce which should be fun, but since none of the Dota 2 characters are voiced by Doug Walker I can't get in on this with any demand for the chocolate from some bloke in a beret. Now, combine this with the bloody aforementioned glitches, and you will be wanting a jolly holiday with Crystal Maiden just to take the edge off of your incompetence at the game because, as the tutorial's a glitchy mess, you'll find yourself skipping them by instead playing with humans. And if they're anything like in Dota 1 or League of Legends, the humans will make you tear the hair off of your beautiful head.

2/10.

- I'mma still play it because Venomancer's worth it.

Noxigar, The Pompous Contrarian