User:Badstar

I don't know why I logged in tonight. I don't even know why I remembered my password after all these years, it wasn't even the same one I used for every site when I was twelve, the one I still use after all these years. Maybe it has to do with a lot of things.

I'm starting college soon. I'm scared, honestly. Kind of terrified. I'm twenty now, starting two years after almost all of my friends and most people I know in general. I know it's not true but I seriously can't think of anyone that would start in spring. Autumn, absolutely. Winter, maybe if they didn't sign up early enough before, yeah. But spring? God, that's so fucking weird to me. I feel like I'm just a little baby in tight diapers with ten metric tons of shit weighing my stupid asshole diaper down to the floor. Up until now, I haven't been working since I got out of high school last summer. That'd be productive, that'd make me feel good about growing up, but that honestly scares me even more than college does right in this moment. I'm scared, I'm scared of everyone and everything. I feel like I've been scared my whole life.

I have anxiety. Depression. PTSD. The full package, basically. Wrap me up and put me under the Christmas tree. Smile at your aunt like oh man, yeah, thanks, no I-I'll totally use it. Seriously. Thanks and then return me. Talk to the cashier and laugh awkwardly, yeah, I really don't know what she was thinking. Just thinking of going out five days a week six hours a day and being in constant motion and talking to people regularly and having to be in this setting in which it's basically just me and god knows who doing god knows what sends me into panics. I keep telling mom I'm looking, I'm telling her I wanna get settled in at college first and I think she understands that, but I honestly think she understands the truth way better but just isn't telling me. I kind of wonder how long I can test her patience like this. I still need her help with everything. I can't fill paperwork on my own, I need to pause people on the phone to ask my mom what to do next. Twenty years old and I still feel like I'm fifteen sometimes. I think mom gets that, but it doesn't really make me feel that better??

I don't mean this to be super depressing and dark and deviantart (the sacred three d's of internet musing), I'm actually kind of inspired by all of this weakness in a weird way, because I honestly believe going to college and listening to everyone tell me how happy I'll be is going to help me. As I'm writing this I just feel that this is more set in stone. I'm gonna be okay. I'm studying psychology, I actually wanna major in it. I wanna help people like me. I wanna help people that are this scared and I want them to know I get it. When I joined this wiki, I wasn't a happy kid. I was getting bullied at school, the teachers never really understood what I needed and never knew what to do to help me, I never understood my work, my family was going through shit I can't even start writing out here. Middle School isn't even something I want to begin to think about going into. I turned to this wiki because I actually felt like I had a community that could stand me and for some reason I did? I have no fucking idea how any of you guys could stand me. I actually admire people like Chwoka and others because they weren't afraid to tell me I was a shithead. I sobbed and pissed my pants, but I now realize that kind of thing was pretty funny. I deserved it and I grew. Slowly! Too slowly, fuck. But I grew at all and I'm really thankful for that.

That's not to say I'm thankful for the more positive people I met here too. Alex was my boy. Keith and I constantly had each other by the necks through the depths of Anime Edge Hell and I honestly had the time of my life just making shitty Haruhi jokes to one of the two people who got it. Remember when Keith defended fedoras and the fact that he wore one? Holy shit, dude. Chaos was great, I always liked him. We always talked pretty pleasantly and I played League with him once, if you're reading this at all hit me up more. Carry me out of bronze, for fucks sake. Do you realize how tough it is to play soloqueue Bard in this economy? Wesley, I always looked up to. He was vaguely tough on me but in a way that I knew that he himself knew I could get better and improve. Lana, now, I don't think she ever really liked me that much but I'll be damned if I didn't respect and love everything she did. I think in a way I loved all of you guys? Briar (or Gavin, I'm so sorry if I say the wrong name, it's been so long and I don't know if you're still okay with both or not), I gave you a lot of shit back in the day, but I hope you're doing okay too. I actually related to you a lot and I hope you're doing cool things with your life. Same to Ben, actually. We gave each other shit all the time, but looking back, I seriously did relate to you and I'm sorry for every time you had to hear someone throw around the r slur without caring about how it hurt you. That's my least favorite word in the world now. You were a good dude, and you're probably still a good dude. I hope you're happy and I honestly hope you're all happy with what's going on right now and if you're not, I'm sorry. It's tough sometimes, and I'm not gonna try and outright inspire anyone, but I really just wanna say that I believe in you guys. Every last one of you. I truly think that as a whole, you all helped me grow as a person in a lot of ways. Helped me understand what socialization was about, that not everyone had to like me, and that people were capable of liking me at all. I learned what it was to learn from mistakes, I learned how to write better, understand people better, deal with my emotions better.

I'm not gonna say these were some of the happiest memories of my life, because, wow. Can you imagine. I had some pretty shit times on here sometimes, but sometimes I really didn't. I'm just saying that I'm looking back now after all this time and just appreciating what happened and what I learned. I'm thankful to everyone in some form for helping me grow. Good times or bad, I can't ignore that this place was such a big part of what helped me grow, as weird or even as dumb as people think that might be.

I'm scared of the future, but holy shit, I'm fucking excited. I wanna do good. I wanna help people. I wanna prove to myself that I can do this and that I can make people proud.

I wanna make you guys proud and I don't want to leave you in the dark wondering about how I'm doing these days or even if I'm okay, if anyone even wondered that all sometimes.

I'm gonna be okay and I swear to god I'll try harder than I ever thought I could. I love you guys.

- Connor

ps: all this aside im getting the new fire emblem tomorrow how sick is that shit