Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/11"

Revision as of 09:53, 29 October 2018

Summary

Transcript

{Open to Xavier sitting at a table in the corner of an Italian restaurant. Sitting on the other side is a short and fat Italian man in a white suit with a red shirt, who is taking time to puff a cigar between bites of food.}

????: It's a pleasure meeting you again, Mr. D'Arque.

XAVIER: Call me Xavier. After all, we're friends, aren't we, Andre?

ANDRE: Right you are! As you may know, we are in full support of your campaign. The DuTempi Family will always be in your gratitude.

XAVIER: When I was running my campaign to become District Attorney, I promised to clean up this city by ending the gang warfare, and I delivered.

{The Italian man cackles as he takes another puff from the cigar.}

ANDRE: You cheeky bastard. You really laid a number on my competition. Those Bonifacio pricks had no idea what hit 'em!

{Andre takes a large slurp from his glass of wine.}

ANDRE: Let's cut the bullshit, though. I know we ain't talkin' pleasantries here. What can I do for you?

XAVIER: How good are you at finding people?

ANDRE: I once had a guy who was prepared to rat me out to the feds. Fled all the way to Europe when he knew that I knew. Lavosia, ya ever hear of it?

XAVIER: Of course. During my rowdier days as a youth, I spent a gap year there. Almost blew my whole allowance in their casinos. My father threatened to cut me off if I didn't come back. Good times.

ANDRE: Yeah. So this guy, he decided to play hide-and-go-seek, thinkin' he was safe. And y'know what? We let him believe that. For six months, we watched him build a decent life for himself. Worked at the shipyard, got himself a nice girl, lived in a chateau, y'know the life. Anyway, one day when they was comin' back home with groceries, and one of my guys had been followin' him. ...BAM!

{Andre makes a gun gesture with his hand.}

ANDRE: Splattered his brains all over his girl's lovely white dress. So yeah, how good am I at findin' people? You tell me.

{Xavier smiles evilly. He pulls out his phone, showing the image of Chaos and Lex at the heist.}

XAVIER: I have a very special job for your men.

{Cut to Leigh, who is video-chatting with Ned on his laptop.}

NED: I'm sorry, man. I tried talking to Jacqueline about getting your job back, but she just wouldn't budge. She didn't sound pleased about it, though.

LEIGH: I should've expected this to happen. I have about as much luck as a member of the Stark family.

NED: That is true. But you need to create your own luck. Make the best of a bad situation, like Tony Stark. He was captured by terrorists, put into a cave, and forced to make weapons. But you know what he did? He made himself a super suit and he busted out of there and became Iron Man.

LEIGH: Okay, first, I was referencing Game of Thrones. And second, I'm afraid to even do that! Every time I've tried to fix my life, something's thrown a wrench into my plans and screwed it all up!

NED: I heard about what happened yesterday. You seemed to do quite a good job at committing assault. You could become an underground fighter. They get lots of money.

LEIGH: I'm a lover, not a fighter! Plus, I can only do that under duress.

NED: Look, man. You just need to find your guardian angel. Everybody has one. Mine lets me be a lawyer while fulfilling my DDR addiction. Ooh, I know! How about I get a DDR machine installed in your apartment?

LEIGH: Ned, I can barely pay for groceries. Plus, I am going to get evicted. A DDR machine is the last of my worries right now.

NED: That's a shame. I understand, though. I'll ask around and see if I can get you another job.

LEIGH: ...No. I can't. One of the things Maddie told me before she left me is that I rely on others too much. I came here for a fresh start, and I'm still doing it. I will fix this, no matter how badly life keeps throwing curveballs. I can do this!

NED: That's the spirit! You go out there, and you make something of yourself!

{Pause.}

NED: But I will bail you out if I have to.

{Cut to Leigh walking down the street, resume in hand.}

LEIGH: I can do this, I can do this!

{Pan to the other side of the road. Garfield is watching Leigh through a pair of binoculars.}

GARFIELD: There he is. I will make his life better, even if it kills me. But, I can't let him see me...

{Garfield assumes a sneaking position as he awkwardly walks around people on the street. He carries on looking at Leigh while following him from the other side of the road. He watches Leigh as he walks into a record shop. He scurries across the road and looks through the window. Leigh walks up to the counter and hands the cashier his resume before walking out. As Leigh is walking out, the cashier can clearly be seen putting the resume into the trash. As Leigh walks out of the store with a smile on his face, Garfield hides behind a road sign, looking completely conspicuous. Leigh does not notice. Leigh carries on walking down the street. Garfield follows him from a short distance before pulling his wallet out and throwing it over Leigh's head. Leigh looks bewildered as he picks the wallet up and looks around. In these few seconds, Garfield has somehow gotten on-top of the roof of a building and is looking down from above.}

LEIGH: Did anybody drop their wallet? Or somehow accidentally lob it for some reason?

{Leigh looks around.}

LEIGH: Anybody?

{Nobody answers.}

LEIGH: Huh. I should probably see who this belongs to.

{Leigh opens the wallet and finds that there's identification, but it's stuffed with cash.}

LEIGH: I should take this to the police; that's a lot of money to lose, gee.

{Suddenly, Garfield appears in front of Leigh, now dressed in a policeman disguise which is just as fake as Chaos and Lex's security guard disguises.}

GARFIELD: Ah, I see that you have found somebody's dropped wallet!

{Leigh hands the wallet to Garfield.}

LEIGH: That was convenient! Here you go, maybe you can find the owner!

{Garfield gives the wallet back to Leigh and laughs.}

GARFIELD: Hahaha-have you heard of "Free Wallet Day?"

{Leigh squints his eyes at Garfield.}

LEIGH: Wait a minute...

GARFIELD: The Mayor has people throw wallets full of cash at people. It's a community service, spanning back to approximately 1994.

{Leigh raises an eyebrow. Garfield quickly scoots around the corner. He spins around and is back in his normal clothing.}

GARFIELD: That was pretty heavy-handed. I think I need to change my tactics...

{Cut back to Leigh. He calls a phone number.}

NOELLE: {vo} Hello?

LEIGH: I'd like a fact checked out. There was this guy who was dressed like a constable who tried to give me a wallet, proclaiming it to be "Free Wallet Day." He said it spanned to-

NOELLE: {vo} 1994?

LEIGH: Yes.

NOELLE: {vo} I think your newfound acquaintance might've gotten the date wrong. Free Wallet Day isn't until mid-October.

LEIGH: Wait, there actually is a "Free Wallet Day?"

NOELLE: {vo} Nowadays, it's kept rather hush-hush, but yeah.

{Leigh blinks.}

NOELLE: {vo} Are you calling for anything else in particular?

LEIGH: No, I just wanted to check that.

NOELLE: {vo} In that case, thank you for your inquiry and take care, sir.

{Noelle hangs up. A short pause happens afterward.}

LEIGH: As well-intentioned as that might've been, I'm going to try giving the wallet back to its original owner.

{Leigh rifles through the wallet to peruse the identification again. His eyelids lower.}

LEIGH: Is Wiggins really his last name? Hmm.

{Leigh carries on walking down the street. A white car passes by him. Inside the car are two Italian-American men in black suits, named Rosato and Giuliano. Rosato is short and skinny, while Giuliano is tall and fat. Giuliano is driving the car.}

ROSATO: A'ight, we're finally downtown. Would'a gotten here sooner if you didn't stop off for hot-dogs.

GIULIANO: I was hungry!

{Giuliano taps his stomach. It growls.}

GIULIANO: I still am. What we lookin' for, again?

ROSATO: The boss told us to be on the look-out for two geezers. One's a white guy with a Jamaican accent, and the other's a short goth.

GIULIANO: A goth? Ya mean the guys who sacked Rome? Didn't know there were any left!

{Rosato slaps Giuliano.}

ROSATO: No, ya dolt! I mean a goth as in one of those weird pale guys who dress in all black, has black hair, likes dark things.

GIULIANO: Ohhh. Okay, okay. Where do we look?

ROSATO: I don't know, yet! It can't be too hard to find them. The boss said there'd be a big reward for whoever caught 'em!

{Cut back to Leigh, who has met up with Gordon at a bar. Gordon is looking at the wallet.}

GORDON: Wiggins... Ay dun' know any'un with that name. Sorry, lad. Can't believe ye dinnae know of Free Wallet Day, though. It's been arund since '94!

LEIGH: ...So I've heard.

GORDON: Ay dun' mean to be cheeky, but ay think ya should jus' take the money. Obviously somebody wanted 'ye to 'ave it. Sorry again about ye losin' ya job. The office 'as been borin' ever since ya went.

LEIGH: It's funny; I almost considered voting for D'Arque, too.

GORDON: Ya gonnae vote for Petrobucks now?

{Leigh visibly recoils.}

LEIGH: Yikes, no. I'm probably just gonna vote third party, or just not vote at all.

{Gordon chuckles.}

GORDON: Unnerstan'able, mate. I'm jes' joshin' wit' ya.

{Leigh looks away and sighs.}

LEIGH: Do you believe in guardian angels?

GORDON: Sorta. Not sure wha' cowns as a guardian angel.

LEIGH: Something my brother mentioned.

{Zoom out to reveal that Garfield is still following Leigh, having sat at a table nearby. Garfield is this time dressed in a blonde wig, with a white dress, Timbs, and red thigh-high socks. He uses the time to take a selfie and send it to Stephanie. Cut to Stephanie, who does a spittake in her office.}

STEPHANIE: Wha-

{Stephanie ponders for a moment.}

STEPHANIE: At least Garfield explained everything about the... human with a keen interest in drow culture? But, going out in that dress doesn't affect drow culture at all?

{Stephanie cocks a brow.}

STEPHANIE: This is by all means better than wearing a pimp suit, at least.

{Cut back to the bar. The bartender gives Leigh a glass of beer.}

LEIGH: I didn't order this.

BARTENDER: I know. Somebody else did. Said you deserved it.

{Leigh scans around the bar. He catches a glimpse of Garfield in women's clothes, but doesn't register it. He looks at the glass for a moment. Suddenly, Gordon slaps him on the back unexpectedly.}

GORDON: Looks like ye 'ave a guardian angel of ya own!

{Pan back to Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Excellent. This plan is going well. Let's see if I can ramp it up.

{Garfield pulls out his phone and proceeds to dial it. As he begins to talk, "Money, Money, Money" by Abba plays, starting a montage showing Leigh in a variety of quick scenes. In one scene, Leigh is in HappyMart and having trouble choosing between two jars of jam, costing $2.50 and $4.00, respectively. Suddenly, a large crowd around him forms, waving banners stating that he is the "Ten Millionth Customer." Pan over to the side to show Garfield handing a wad of cash to Felicia, the store's manager.}

{The second scene is of Leigh coming across a "lost cat" poster on a sign, with an award of $1000. Immediately, the cat which is on the poster crosses Leigh's path, and an older lady (who is actually Tracy dressed as an old lady) picks up the cat and hugs it, before handing a wad of cash to him.}

{The third scene is of Leigh looking for jobs online on his laptop. Suddenly, a pop-up appears on-screen, reading: "Congratulations! You have just won $10,000!" Leigh raises his eyebrow and clicks on it, linking to his online bank account with a new deposit of $10,000. Cut to Garfield at Headwiz's house, with the two sitting at a computer. Headwiz and Garfield turn to each other and they high-five, before Garfield pours an energy drink into his cup of coffee.}

{The fourth scene is of Leigh getting into bed and trying to sleep, only to notice something peculiar. He finds that he is covered in $100 bills. He fluffs his pillow, revealing that it is also stuffed with stacks of cash. He out of bed and takes the sheets off, revealing that he was sleeping on several more stacks of cash which had been hidden under his bed. Garfield can be seen peering through his window, only to quickly duck as Leigh turns the light on and looks around. The montage ends with Leigh hanging out with Jules at Surreal Cereals.}

LEIGH: I don't understand! I feel like this is some kind of weird trick. I'm starting to look for cameras wherever I go, because what else could it even be?

JULES: Yo fam, chill for a bit. My folks give me money all the time.

LEIGH: Yeah, but your family's rich. I don't even have a family, other than my brother. And he's not the type of person to do this! Maybe I do have a guardian angel...

JULES: I'unno. Sounds more like you're being stalked.

LEIGH: Isn't a guardian angel already kind of a stalker?

JULES: Fuck if I know, man. Either way, at least they're not tryin' to kill you? Or maybe they are? What if it's some kind of freaky weird serial killer that likes to give people money before they kill 'em?

{Leigh looks visibly terrified.}

LEIGH: Jeez man, don't say that! That's horrible!

JULES: Shit dude, it could be one with a gimmick! Y'know? Stalks people and gives them money before doing somethin' really fucked up, like cutting them into tiny pieces, or somethin'.

LEIGH: No! Stop talking about it!

JULES: Sorry. And yeah, sorry about what my aunt did. If it makes ya feel better, I wasn't gonna vote for that Dark guy anyways. I wasn't gonna vote at all, but now I'm really committed to it.

{Tracy arrives with cereal for both Jules and Leigh, serving them.}

TRACY: I hear good fortune has crossed paths with you.

LEIGH: It... has.

{Leigh cocks a brow. He then looks Tracy up and down.}

JULES: Somethin' amiss?

LEIGH: Hm...

{Leigh closes his eyes, and shakes his head.}

LEIGH: Something was on my mind, but I forgot. I'm at least set for a little bit, but...

{Leigh blinks. Tracy is gone.}

LEIGH: Where'd he go?

{Cut to Tracy having left, obscuring himself from view from Jules and Leigh. He has headphones on, and turns on the mic attached to them.}

TRACY: Alright, I think this has backfired a tad. He's now intensely paranoid.

{Cut back to Leigh, who still has Garfield's wallet. He rifles through it.}

LEIGH: Wait, this has an address!

{Jules facepalms.}

LEIGH: ...hang on, this address...

{Jules shows Leigh his phone. A map of Townindale is shown on it. Zoom into the map to show the position of Volkov's pierogi bar, then zoom inward. Cut to Volkov and Garfield both serving multiple guests at a now busy establishment. Most of the patrons therein are wearing business suits, and two of them - Rosato and Giuliano - are recognizable amongst the crowd.}

ROSATO: You had hot-dogs just an hour ago, and you're still stuffin' yer face.

GIULIANO: Leave off, douchebag. I skipped breakfast.

ROSATO: We're supposed to be lookin' for these guys!

GIULIANO: Ey, we ain't the only ones 'ere!

{Giuliano gestures to all the other men in the restaurant. Cut to Leigh and Jules walking through the front door of the Pierogi Bar. All of the suited men look straight at them and put their hands in their suits, as if to pull out a gun. However, as they realize they are not the ones they are looking for, they, turn back and carry on eating their food. Leigh and Jules are freaked out by this.}

JULES: Bruv, I don't think we're welcome here.

{Volkov pops up from the side of the screen.}

VOLKOV: Nonsense! Everybody's welcome at Katyusha's! Come, sit down!

{Volkov practically pushes the two into the restaurant and into a booth seat, before handing them menus.}

VOLKOV: Right now, it is happy hour! All drinks are 20% off until 6PM! I'll give you moment to decide.

{Volkov walks offscreen. Jules looks at the menu.}

JULES: Huh. Didja know this place is named after that guy's mom?

LEIGH: Shh.

{Leigh points to Garfield, who emerges from the kitchen with a tray of pierogis.}

LEIGH: I know that guy... He was at the Fundraiser. I drank with him.

{Pause.}

LEIGH: Just before I lost my keycard...

{Leigh gets up from his chair.}

LEIGH: Hold on for a sec. I wanna talk to him.

JULES: Ya ain't gonna beat up on him too, are ya?

{Leigh walks over to Garfield from behind and taps him on the shoulder. Garfield turns around and as soon as he sees Leigh, he backs away.}

GARFIELD: Hello there! Welcome to Katyusha's!

{Leigh gets closer to Garfield, who continues to back away. This continues until he is backed into a wall. Garfield begins to sweat. Leigh pulls out the wallet.}

LEIGH: Is this yours?

GARFIELD: Uh... yes? I must've dropped it somewhere... silly me.

{Leigh looks at Garfield closely, before realizing that he was the policeman.}

LEIGH: I tried to give it to a policeman, but he told me it was Free Wallet Day.

GARFIELD: Yes! It-...

{Leigh leans in even closer as he interrupts Garfield. All eyes are on them again.}

LEIGH: Free Wallet Day is in Mid-October. I've had a great stroke of luck for the past 24 hours. Someone keeps throwing large amounts of money at me. Literally, in some cases. This has been going on ever since I lost my job after the Fundraiser we were at got stolen from. Do you remember when we drank together?

GARFIELD: I indeed remember.

LEIGH: These are some really weird co-inky-dinks, don't you think?

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: ...Damn it. Let's talk about this privately.

{Volkov gives Garfield the thumbs-up. Leigh nods stiffly.}

LEIGH: That can be arranged.

{Garfield walks out, goes to clock out. Leigh follows, silently observing everything. Given the Fundraiser was mentioned, Rosato and Giuliano attempt to follow Garfield and Leigh, only to be blockaded by Volkov.}

VOLKOV: I'm sorry. Way out is for employees and special human with interest in drow culture only.

GIULIANO: I went out to get some food with a Drow once.

ROSATO: Fuhgeddaboutit.

{Rosato pulls Giuliano away.}

ROSATO: {whispering} We'll just bring backup.

{Garfield escorts Leigh to the Apartment upstairs.}

LEIGH: So this is your base of operations?

GARFIELD: My base of operations.

LEIGH: All this time, you lived inside a pierogi bar?

{Garfield goes into the kitchen.}

GARFIELD: {vo} Make yourself at home, Human.

{Leigh cocks a brow.}

LEIGH: Wait, did you just-

{Garfield comes back with several glasses of Naminade.}

GARFIELD: From time to time, I work at the pierogi bar to make more money to do more cool things.

{Zoom out to reveal that Garfield's eyes have massive black circles around them.}

LEIGH: Erm... yes. That's what I wished to discuss. Why are you helping me, of all Humans?

{Garfield sits down, with the glasses of Naminade set near him and Leigh.}

GARFIELD: I must apologize to you for causing you to lose your job.

LEIGH: A-ha! So you were part of the Heist!

{Garfield winces.}

GARFIELD: Yes. At first, I thought it would just cause me to piss Stephanie and others off, and was hesitant in joining in on it.

{Leigh nods.}

LEIGH: Go on.

GARFIELD: I saw that there were auctions for various magical items. Many of them served as important memorabilia in the cinematic world, and...

{Garfield takes out his Point Card.}

GARFIELD: The first magical item I ever received was a Point Card from... a person I liked. I know she works for a company that mistreats her, and one day I may free her from her bonds to it using this Point Card to obliterate her asylum permanently.

{Garfield puts the Point Card back in his pocket.}

LEIGH: Why not just talk to me directly? I would've listened!

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: I feared that you would attack me the same way that my friends were. I wanted to make amends for causing you to lose your job - I know that if anybody else was put under the same pressure-cooker that you were, that I would help them, too.

{Garfield looks outside a window. Leigh sighs.}

LEIGH: Well, if anything, count me in on your next big score against Xavier D'Arque. Thanks for the money, by the way. It'll definitely keep me from being evicted from my apartment.

GARFIELD: That shitty place?

LEIGH: It may be so, but it's still ho-... Oh, who am I kidding. It sucks.

GARFIELD: You know, one of our tenants is planning on moving out. If you'd like, you can stay with us.

{Leigh perks up.}

LEIGH: Really? You'd do that for me?

GARFIELD: Of course! You'd be a fine addition to our team.

LEIGH: Wow, thank you so much!

{Leigh goes for one of the glasses.}

LEIGH: What do you call these?

GARFIELD: Naminade.

LEIGH: ...any particular reason why?

GARFIELD: Spiritual attunement.

{Leigh confusedly drinks one of the Naminade glasses, but finds the drink to his delight. Garfield's phone rings, and he picks it up.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

STEPHANIE: So, don't panic, but... I just overheard a meeting between D'Arque and some High Elves.

GARFIELD: What?

STEPHANIE: Look, they're hiring one of their own to accompany a Lavosian bounty hunter.

GARFIELD: Oh, no no no-

STEPHANIE: Some people didn't take kindly to you winning all those auctions, and then someone else caught wind of your "streaks of luck" at a casino in San Crystal-balls. I also theorize he's targeting you because you saw a part of his true colours and he's got a Masquerade to uphold. Thank god I managed to get a good lunch break.

{Garfield slams his own head against a table.}

STEPHANIE: Garfield? You okay?

{Leigh takes the phone from Garfield.}

LEIGH: He's not taking the news lightly.

STEPHANIE: Leigh? Wha-

LEIGH: Garfield must've heard of my plight from you and tried to help me.

STEPHANIE: Ohhhhhhhh, I must've called at a bad time.

{Jules arrives in the apartment. Garfield still slams his head against the table.}

LEIGH: Regarding D'Arque... Let's just say I'm going to show him the light.

{Stephanie laughs.}

STEPHANIE: Oh, you guys just made my day. But, I gotta go. I just wanted to make a request to Garfield to keep himself from getting hurt. I will speak to you guys again, possibly after work.

{Garfield stops slamming his head.}

GARFIELD: WAIT, SHIT. I HAVE TO ASK HER SOMETHING.

{Garfield snatches the phone from Leigh.}

GARFIELD: Steph, wait. That conversation we had yesterday, about the fight at the restaurant. The news report... you didn't...?

STEPHANIE: I really have to go. Sorry, Garfield.

{Stephanie hangs up.}

JULES: Can we talk now?

{Garfield nods.}

LEIGH: Jules?

JULES: I heard everything.

GARFIELD: This is not good... this is not good at all. I have certain reason to believe that Lex and Chaos are in danger... and I now have a bounty hunter on my ass. Fuck, fuck, FUCK.

{Jules pats Garfield on the back.}

JULES: This shit is wack AF to me, but I'm with you, man.

LEIGH: You helped me, so... Let us pay you back.

{Leigh gives Garfield his wallet back.}

JULES: Shit dude, you did that thing? Oh man, my Aunt is gonna be fuckin' pissed at you.

GARFIELD: You heard everything.

JULES: Nahhhhhhhh, don't worry about me, fam. I don't give a shit. We cool. But MAN. You are in such deep shit, WOW.

LEIGH: You're not making matters any better by telling him that!

JULES: Shit. Sorry. So... I figure Lex and Chaos were the other two guys?

GARFIELD: Yes. As far as I'm aware, the two are at Lex's place of work.

{Suddenly, Volkov can be heard yelling from downstairs.}

JULES: Shiiiit. We should get back to the restaurant.

{All three go downstairs to the restaurant, which is now empty. Volkov is standing there by himself, looking furious.}

VOLKOV: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ALL OF THOSE ASSHOLES JUST UP AND LEFT WITHOUT PAYING! EVERY ONE OF THEM! I AM CALLING POLICE.

{Volkov storms off into the backroom. Cut to Chaos and Lex, chilling out at the Mattress Warehouse.}

LEX: Hey Chaos?

CHAOS: What's up?

LEX: D'ya ever jus' stop and think about perspectives? Like, how there are those times where ya ain't a main character anymore?

CHAOS: What do you mean?

LEX: Like, when ya ain't even in an episode until the very end? Feels weird.

CHAOS: Huh. You're right. That is a weird feeling.

{The two look at the camera, and the episode ends.}