Difference between revisions of "Wikihood/eps/1"

Latest revision as of 02:24, 16 November 2018

Summary

Oh, yes; yes, again.

Transcript

{Open to a long, sweeping shot of an unnamed town set to light classical music. The camera pans up to the clear, blue sky. A distant plane flies across the screen from right to left. As the title fades, cut to a slow, panning close up of the plane, where we see various passengers through the windows. Opening titles play along the bottom of the screen. Cut to inside the plane. A dolly shot takes the camera down the aisle. Flight attendants check with passengers, babies cry, etc. The camera reaches a door marked "First Class," which opens to let the camera continue through. Eventually, the camera passes a booth filled with smoke. Zoom in, to inside the smoke. Coughing his lungs up, Jules Rosenberg tries to clear the smoke with his hand, revealing himself and his father, Frank Rosenberg, who is happily puffing on a cigar.}

JULES ROSENBERG: Fuck, dad! Can't you slow down on the cigars for a little while, man?

FRANK ROSENBERG: {points at Jules} Don't talk to your father like that.

JULES: {groans} This sucks. I'm outta here.

{Jules exits the booth.}

FRANK: Yeah, fine. Just don't try to jump out of the plane again.

JULES: {offscreen} That was one time!

{The camera pans out with Jules, before leaving him momentarily to pan over another booth. Two men in flashy clothes sit at a booth, eating a plate of bratwurst as they look over the window. There's three cups at the booth, as they chat peacefully. Soon, however, the peace is broken as their traveling companion rejoins them, the short Italian sitting next to one of them, as he begins rolling up a blunt.}

DANNY: Ya know, they call it the 'Oceanic Flight 420', but it doesn't even cross over the ocean! It's entirely a continental flight! At least the 420's accurate.

ROY: Danny, please, please don't smoke that next to me. I'll inhale the second hand smoke an-

DANNY: Roy, shut the fuck up. This is a free country. I can smoke wherever I want!

{The other man pauses from his bratwurst to make a short quip, going back to eating once he's done.}

SIEGFRIED: Actually, marijuana's illegal, Danny.

DANNY: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Siegfried. Look, let's just sit down and relax. We'll be back in New York soon. What's the worst that could happen, Roy gets second-hand lung cancer?

ROY: Yes.

DANNY: Shut the fuck up, Roy!

{The camera eventually pans away from the group, panning to a tall bald man with skin that is impossibly dark, almost Drow like in nature, who looks quite timid actually, and a red haired chick with fancy red clothing.}

LEIGH: I wonder how my brother is doing.

{Cut to a man with flowing brown hair who looks not unlike Leigh but more human in a nice suit, playing DDR perfectly. Then, cut back to Leigh and Madelyn on the plane}

MADELYN: Probably boring legal work...

{Pan over to a gorilla, dressed in khaki shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt. He is listening to music on his walkman while doing a crossword.}

BRUCE: {singing} I bless the rains down in Afffff-riiii-caaaaaaaa~

{Bruce's booth suddenly has another person in it, sitting next to him by the window. The masked creature glances briefly at the crossword, before glancing at the window.}

GOD COMPLEX: {speaking without any identifying gender or inflection to their voice} 7 across, gazebo.

{Bruce concentrates on that part of the crossword before writing it down.}

BRUCE: Strewth, that's it! Thanks, man!

{Bruce smiles at God Complex, before looking puzzled.}

BRUCE: Wait, were ya sittin' there a minute ago?

{Just as Bruce finishes asking his question, an explosion is heard. The entire plane interior is engulfed in smoke.}

BRUCE: What the fu-

?????? ??????: EVERYBODY SIT THE FUCK DOWN, AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. THIS IS A HIJACK!

{As the smoke clears, it becomes clear who the culprits are. Andrew Davies, leader of the Welsh Liberation Army - a notorious Welsh-Separatist terrorist group - is standing in the middle of the airplane, along with two of his goons.}

ANDREW DAVIES: FOR TOO LONG IN HISTORY, THE WELSH HAVE BEEN OPPRESSED. WE HAVE BEEN FORCED TO WORK IN INTERNATIONAL NOODLE MINES... IN HORRENDOUS AND DANGEROUS CONDITIONS... ALL SO THE BOURGEOISIE CAN ENJOY FRESH NOODLES... BUT... FOR NO LONGER SHALL THIS BE THE CASE, FOR THE WELSH DRAGON HAS AWAKENED, AND THE WELSH DRAGON IS PISSED!

{Madelyn puts her hand up, as if to say something.}

ANDREW DAVIES: What is it?

MADELYN: Can I have a Jolt Cola? Diet, please; I'm trying to keep my figure.

ANDREW DAVIES: Don't you understand? That we are a-

GOD COMPLEX: Ah, yes... may I have a coffee please? No milk or sugar, just black.

ANDREW DAVIES: What? Are you really going to-

{Andrew gets more visibly flustered, as nobody in the plane is taking him or his goons seriously.}

DANNY: Hey, have you seen my trollfoot?

{Danny proceeds to take the shoe and sock off one of his feet, revealing his trollfoot in all its glory.}

ANDREW DAVIES: I... can't believe you-

BRUCE: Don't you understand, mate? Nobody takes the Welsh seriously... and this is comin' from a talkin' Australian gorilla, of all people!

{Zoom out to the plane's exterior, until it is shown as a news report on a local television station. A woman, in her mid-30s, of Middle-Eastern heritage is sitting at a desk, is reporting the news as it happens.}

ANCHOR: According to a report by one of the airline attendants, the hijacker is none other than the leader of the Welsh Liberation Army, Andrew Davies. Davies has been known for previous stunts in the past, such as a public demonstration in Trafalgar Square in London, England where he-

{The anchor's voice fades into the background. The camera zooms out, to reveal that the small TV is sitting on the desk of a guard working at the Intake and Release Department, of the Republic Island Correctional Facility. The guard - an overweight Orc male in his early-30s - is sitting back in his chair and watching the television, while munching on a chocolate donut.}

ORC GUARD: Welsh terrorists? Gimme a break!

{The guard snorts in laughter. A bell rings, and the door to the room opens. He quickly turns the television off, sitting upright as another Orc Guard - a physically fit female in her late-20s - walks into the room, escorting a handcuffed male human prisoner. The prisoner is in his mid-20s and short in stature, with messy black hair, pale white skin, and purple eyes. He is gaunt, with bags underneath his eyes which suggest either a lack of sleep, or a lack of nutrition. He yawns, as he is escorted to the desk. The female Orc Guard disables the handcuffs, then points at the desk.}

FEMALE ORC GUARD: Put your hands on the desk, where everyone can see them.

PRISONER: Yeah, yeah... I get ya...

{He complies with the order, as the male Orc Guard pulls out a ledger and searches for the prisoner.}

MALE ORC GUARD: A release at 3:30 AM...

{He scrolls through the ledger to search for the prisoner's report before finding it.}

MALE ORC GUARD: Ah! Here it is. Felix Abraxas Zabat, is that right?

{The prisoner smirks.}

PRISONER: Yeah, but everyone calls me Chaos.

FEMALE ORC GUARD: Nobody calls him that.

{Chaos' expression turns to that of mild annoyance.}

MALE ORC GUARD: According to the record, you were sentenced to five years in prison. You've been offered parole two years earlier, due to good behaviour.

FEMALE ORC GUARD: I didn't think he had it in him!

{The guard puts the ledger down.}

MALE ORC GUARD: So. Did you learn anything from your time here?

CHAOS: Yeah. To not get caught.

{The female guard lightly slaps Chaos on the back of the head. He recoils.}

CHAOS: Ow! Yeah, yeah! To um, not commit any more crimes, to be a good and functioning member of society, yadda yadda. You know the stuff.

MALE ORC GUARD: Nice, nice. Well, I better give you your stuff back, huh. Do you want us to arrange your transport, or do you-

CHAOS: Don't worry, Krusk. I've got a ride ready. It's a nice ride too, I assure you.

KRUSK: Alright, gimme a sec.

{Krusk stands up and walks to a nearby locker. He presses in the number combination to the lock and opens the door, before taking out a small tray of belongings, with a neatly-folded pile of clothing on top.}

KRUSK: Lemme check and see if everythin's all here...

{Krusk looks at the list as Chaos looks back at the female guard behind him. He checks off items as he reads them.}

KRUSK: Black shirt... check. Black jeans... check. Leather belt... check. Skull belt buckle... check. Toshiteck Cassette Player... check. Wallet... check. Credit card... check. Oh, um. Condoms... check. Klaus Nomi cassette... check. And a Ring of Destruction... check. Does all this sound right to you?

CHAOS: Sounds about right to me, man.

KRUSK: Awesome. Agrob, you may escort him outside.

{A buzz can heard elsewhere.}

CHAOS: Ah, that must be my ride. Nice!

{Chaos is escorted outside of the prison by Agrob, as Krusk looks at the security camera footage. The security guards chuckles to themselves.}

KRUSK: Nice ride, huh?

{Cut to the exterior of the prison. Chaos walks out, looking triumphant until he sees what is in front of him. His look turns into one of distress. Agrob smugly grins as she looks at what greets Chaos. Pan over to reveal that Chaos' ride is an ice cream truck. Sitting in the driver's seat of the truck is a young man, appearing to be his mid-20s, with tanned skin and dark blond hair. He is wearing a red and blue bowling shirt and acid-washed jeans. He leans out of the window and waves.}

???: YO, CHAOS! OVER HERE!!

{The man presses the truck's horn, which plays La Cucaracha.}

CHAOS: W-what. I-I-

AGROB: Is this the ride you were talking about?

{Chaos turns around, shaking with indignation. Before he can answer, he is slapped on the back by the young man, who has exited the truck and walked over to his location.}

???: Chaos, mon! I missed ya!

CHAOS: I-I-I-I-

AGROB: Are you sure you don't know him?

???: Know 'im? Hah, of course 'e knows me! I'm 'is guardian!

{The man holds his hand out over Chaos' head, in front of Agrob, for a handshake.}

LEX: Me name's Lex, and I am 'is ride!

{Agrob shakes Lex's hand.}

CHAOS: {sighs impatiently} You told me you found a "sick new ride that would be super dope". I was expecting a Lambo or something similar, not this!

LEX: One o' me pals gave this truck a much-needed spruce up, after I found it in the scrapyard for a hunnid buckaroos! Do ya know how much of a bargain this was?

{Agrob laughs.}

AGROB: I'm sure you'll get used to it... Chaos.

{Chaos facepalms.}

LEX: Relax, brudda. I got us a nice place down in Townindale, you'll love it.

CHAOS: Townindale?

{Chaos' eyes widen.}

CHAOS: Oh. Ohhhhh.

{Chaos has a cheerier look to himself, much to Agrob's astonishment.}

CHAOS: Well, this changes things entirely! Hell yeah! What kind of place is it? A big house? A mansion? ...Two mansions?

LEX: You'll see, man. You'll see.

{Chaos looks at Agrob.}

CHAOS: I guess this is goodbye then. I would say that I will miss this place, but I would be wrong in doing so! Haha!

AGROB: Right, yeah. Enjoy your freedom, Felix.

CHAOS: The name is Chaos!

{Agrob's eyelids lower, her expression stern.}

AGROB: Keep yourself out of trouble. I would prefer to never see you here again.

{Chaos and Lex begin to walk back to the truck. Lex looks back.}

LEX: I'll assure ya, I'll keep 'im away from the bad stuff!

{The two hop into the truck, with Lex in the driver's seat. The truck speeds off almost immediately.}

CHAOS: FREEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!!!!!!

{Agrob sighs, before going back inside the compound. Cut to Lex and Chaos driving down the highway, with the news radio playing.}

ANCHOR: After a terrifying standoff with the military, Davies and his goons were successfully subdued, and all the passangers of the plane felt relief as nobody was seriously hurt or injured. This is Sarah Khoroushi, and you are listening to the-

{Chaos turns the dial, switching the radio off.}

LEX: Ey, I was listenin' to that!

CHAOS: It bored me.

LEX: I've been followin' that story for the past couple of hours, mate!

CHAOS: Hey, at least you actually got to do stuff. Do you know how boring it was in there? Three years, man.

LEX: Better than five.

CHAOS: Easy for you to say, when you're not the one who got caught. You made off with the cash at least, so I can at least be happy about that.

{Lex's expression becomes a little uneasy.}

LEX: Yeah... heh.

CHAOS: You know what? Let's put the radio back on. It's been ages until I've actually listened to music, y'know? Proper music, not the stuff they play in the prisons. The good stuff.

LEX: I gotcha, man.

{Lex turns the dial on the car stereo, moving through various FM frequencies until Chaos shoves his hand away, leaving the radio on a station playing I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You, by the Alan Parsons Project.}

CHAOS: Keep it on this one. This, this is the good stuff.

LEX: There's something I should probably tell-

CHAOS: Shh. No words. Just listen to the music. I need this... I've needed this for three fucking years, man.

{Zoom out to a montage of the truck driving on the highway by the sea as the music plays. As dawn begins to appear, the Wikihood show title appears over the glistening waters, illuminated by the rising sun. As the truck begins to enter a small city, we cut back to the interior.}

LEX: We're almost there!

CHAOS: A place in Townindale, of all cities? I knew you wouldn't let me down. It took me three years of hell, but we made it man. We're finally in paradise.

{Chaos sticks his head out of the window, looking at the beautiful metropolis outside.}

CHAOS: Can you smell the air? It smells like freedom, doesn't it? You and me, we hit the big shots! All that money, oh man, oh man!

{As the truck goes further through downtown, Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: We're going a little far into the city, eh?

LEX: Heh, yup.

CHAOS: Ah, I imagine the rich parts are more on the outskirts, eh? Around the suburbs?

{Lex wears a more uneasy expression on his face now.}

CHAOS: You know what? I'm probably distracting you, I apologize. I'll shut up, and I'll let you surprise me. This is going to be so awesome! I'll close my eyes. Tell me when to open them.

{Cut to the exterior of the truck. The surrounding city scenery becomes increasingly less aesthetically pleasing, until it becomes almost entirely dilapidated. Lex peers his head out of the window, where he sees a sign which says "Little Moscow." He drives the truck slightly further, before it stops at "Katyusha's" - a small Eastern-European deli. Cut back to the truck's interior.}

LEX: You can open ya eyes now.

{Chaos opens his eyes and looks outside. He turns to Lex, perplexed.}

CHAOS: What? This is just a pierogi bar!

{Lex opens the door of the truck and gets out, before opening Chaos' door, motioning for him to get out. The two walk into the deli, as Chaos gets gradually more upset by what he's seeing.}

CHAOS: I don't understand... this isn't where we're living, is it?

{Lex leads Chaos to a door in the back, which reveals a staircase to the second floor of the building. As the two ascend, Chaos's face turns from one of sadness to anger.}

CHAOS: This is not where we live is it? We're just visiting a friend? Right?

{Lex doesn't answer. He carries on through what is now an apartment corridor before reaching another door, which he opens, with Chaos behind him. Through the door is a small and grungy two-bedroom apartment, with brick walls, exposed pipes, and flickering lights. Lex turns around and smiles at Chaos.}

LEX: Ta-daaaa!!!

{Chaos callously pushes past Lex as he gets inside the apartment.}

CHAOS: What is this? This isn't a mansion, this isn't a big house, is a... tiny roach shack!

{A voice is heard from the kitchen.}

????????: Oh, boo. I give your insult of our domain a 2/10.

{Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: Who is this?

LEX: E's our roommate.

CHAOS: ROOMMATE?!

{Coming from the kitchen is a man looking to be in his early-30s; tall in stature, yet skinny like a beanpole. He is wearing a thick pair of glasses, a wifebeater with an open blue buttoned shirt, and a pair of shorts. On his feet are a pair of bunny slippers. He looks slightly disheveled, with scruffy brown hair, and a five o'clock shadow. In his hand is a glass of liquid with indiscernible origin, from which he takes momentary sips.}

LEX: Eyyyyyyyy, Garfield!!

GARFIELD: Hola, Lex. I suppose this is the roommate you've been telling me about?

LEX: 'Is name is Chaos!

{Lex runs and jumps on the couch, without bothering to take off his shoes.}

GARFIELD: What kind of name is Chaos?

CHAOS: My real name is Feli-

GARFIELD: You might as well have called yourself something like "The Edgymancer."

CHAOS: What? Are you trying to say that Chaos isn't-

GARFIELD: Edgymancer. Now that is a cool name!

{Garfield shuffles closer to Chaos in order to take a more detailed look at him.}

GARFIELD: You look troubled.

CHAOS: I kind of am, actually, because I was expecting a-

GARFIELD: Would you like a Naminade?

CHAOS: What the hell is a Naminade?

LEX: Oh, man. Pour me out a glass too, Gar! I am parched!

{Garfield shuffles back into the kitchen, where he pulls out a pitcher from the fridge.}

GARFIELD: It is a beverage of my own concoction, mixing Jolt Cola with Japanese sake and fruit punch.

LEX: It's delicious, I promise you.

{Garfield pours out two glasses and hand delivers them to Lex and Chaos, who proceed to take a sip.}

GARFIELD: Sometimes, I substitute the fruit punch for grape soda... sometimes I put freshly squeezed lemon in the mixture, or I use cider instead of sake. Sometimes I put Midol in it, because I like the added danger.

{Lex unflinchingly chugs his glass down, as Chaos puts his down and backs away.}

CHAOS: S-suddenly I'm not so thirsty.

{Chaos looks at Lex and frowns.}

CHAOS: So, let us address the elephant in the room, shall we?

LEX: Don't be mean, Chaos! Garfield is not an elephant!

GARFIELD: I can understand how some people may think I am, however, due to this incident back in 2006 where I-

CHAOS: We're gonna have this discussion in private, thank you.

{Chaos grabs Lex, and takes him into one of the bedrooms, closing the door behind them.}

CHAOS: Okay, firstly, what the fuck? And secondly, WHAT! THE! FUCK?!

LEX: Chaos, you seem really on-edge today. What's been bothering you?

CHAOS: Oh, nothing, really. Absolutely nothing. What on Earth could be bothering me right now, huh?

{Lex smiles.}

LEX: Ey, I'm really glad you're not bothered! Good for ya, man! I don't know why you had to take me into this room to tell me this, but I am happy for-

CHAOS: OF COURSE I AM FUCKING BOTHERED, LEX. HOW COULD I NOT BE BOTHERED AFTER SPENDING THREE FUCKING YEARS IN PRISON, WHILE YOU GOT TO ENJOY THE FREEDOM OF THE OUTDOORS, HUH?! I THOUGHT, OH HEY, I'M GETTING THE BOOK THROWN AT ME, BUT IT'S ALRIGHT BECAUSE AT LEAST LEX MADE OFF WITH THE MILLIONS AND THINGS WOULD BE AWESOME WHEN I GOT OUT. I COULD HAVE A SUPER EXPENSIVE CAR, AND A MANSION, AND MY VERY OWN HOT ELF SERVANT, AND WE COULD GO ON ALL SORTS OF WILD AND WACKY ADVENTURES DOING CRAZY SHIT, LIKE EXPLORING UNDERSEA KINGDOMS, HAVING KOOKY SHENANIGANS IN ASIA, GOING TO SPACE, ALL THE COOL STUFF THAT RICH PEOPLE DO. BUT NOPE. WE GOT A DINGY LITTLE ICE CREAM TRUCK, AND A SHITTY LITTLE APARTMENT IN A SLUM. I SPENT THREE YEARS IN PRISON FOR THIS, LEX. THREE FUCKING Y-

{Chaos' rant is interrupted by Lex slapping him in the face.}

CHAOS: Ow!

LEX: Chaos, chill.

CHAOS: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHILL WHEN YOU-

{Lex slaps him again, angering Chaos to the point where his face is red.}

CHAOS: I SWEAR TO THE GODS IF YOU SMACK ME ONE MORE TIME, I WILL-

{Lex slaps him a third time. Chaos looks noticeably less angry.}

CHAOS: Okay, I'm chill now. I admit, I got a little out of hand there, I'm sorry. I shouldn't yell like that, but-

{Lex slaps Chaos a fourth time.}

CHAOS: I said I was chill!

LEX: Oh, sorry, it was a reflex.

CHAOS: Really, though... What happened? Why are we poor? What happened to the money?

LEX: There... was no money.

{Zoom inside, to Chaos' brain. The gears in it were previously inactive, but after hearing Lex's words, they begin to spin. The speed of the gears increases dramatically. The scene returns to Lex and Chaos, and plays normally.}

CHAOS: So you made off... with nothing. And I got arrested and thrown in prison... for nothing.

LEX: Pretty much.

CHAOS: Fuck. What have you been doing for the last three years?

LEX: Well, I took an ordinary job as a sales clerk for a mattress retailer. I sell mattresses mainly, y'know?

CHAOS: Just... mattresses?

LEX: Pretty much.

CHAOS: Like, anything other than mattresses?

LEX: Not really.

CHAOS: So, all this time while I was rotting in prison, you just gave up on the crime thing and took a regular job, doing regular things?

LEX: Pretty much, mon!

CHAOS: Fuck. And what about that other guy?

LEX: Garf? Oh, I think he works as a geneticist for NoxCorp. I don't know, I never really asked him about his work life, truth be told.

CHAOS: A geneticist? Don't... don't they earn a lot of money?

LEX: Yeah, like, six figures I think?

{Close-up of Chaos' face as a wide smile emerges. He puts his hand on Lex's shoulder.}

CHAOS: You know what? I think this was a good talk.

LEX: It was?

CHAOS: Indeed it was. I think we have a good way of getting further in life, my friend.

LEX: Gee, Chaos, that's great, mon!

CHAOS: Now, if you would excuse me, I want to properly meet our new housemate.

{Chaos leaves the room and walks over to Garfield, putting his arm around him.}

CHAOS: Garfield, eh?

GARFIELD: That is my name, yes.

CHAOS: How long have you been living in this joint?

GARFIELD: I must sincerely apologize, for I never really kept track. I have moved around so constantly that my stay in Towningdale was never expected to be for more than three years at best. I can say for certain that I've lasted longer than that.

{Chaos blinks.}

CHAOS: So, I heard you worked as a geneticist.

GARFIELD: Affirmative. I am indeed a geneticist for NoxCorp.

CHAOS: This tiny apartment? You've had a six figure job, and you've been living... here?

GARFIELD: Si, senor.

CHAOS: Wha-wha... what do you do with that money?

{Garfield's eyes widen as he grabs Chaos' wrist.}

GARFIELD: Allow me TO SHOW YOU MY COLLECTION.

{Garfield pulls Chaos by the arm and drags him to his bedroom. The room is noticeably clean, as opposed to the rest of the apartment, and an assortment of interesting objects decorate it, to the point where no surface is left untouched.}

GARFIELD: I remember fondly an idea Lex and I had, to open up a Movie Museum. I'm still unsure if calling it a "Movieum" is appropriate, but I recall the idea had been scrapped after I chose to fight Hollywood and its cabal of sex traffickers and other white collar Karma Houdinis, through a number of ways both legal and illegal. Since then, I've been doing a bit of remodeling to make it more a base of operations for NoxCorp.

{Garfield reaches into his closet and pulls out a glowing blue claymore. He gazes upon it, looking crestfallen after a few seconds.}

GARFIELD: This is a moon-powered replica of a famous legendary sword, once owned by a beloved friend before her passing away.

CHAOS: I'm... I'm sorry for your loss.

GARFIELD: It is not in my nature to find cheesy '90s shows palatable, but she was one of few Drow who enjoyed Pelleasquest. I still cannot tell if her liking it was ironic, given the level of anti-Elf bigotry displayed within the show itself.

{Garfield pulls out another item, this time, a single eyeglass, modeled for a cyclops.}

GARFIELD: This eyeglass belonged to the great Cyclops comedian, Catras Goldstein.

{Garfield clears his throat, puts the eyeglass on, and does an impression, where he makes his voice super deep and raspy, while he waves his arms.}

GARFIELD: NICE TA MEET YA, NICE TA MEET YA!

{Chaos looks perplexed.}

CHAOS: Uhh...

GARFIELD: Not a fan of his 1950's stand-up comedy?

CHAOS: I've never heard of him.

{Garfield strokes his chin for a moment, in pensive thought.}

GARFIELD: How about this?

{Garfield nods in the direction of a cardboard cutout of what appears to be Nicholas Cage.}

CHAOS: Okay, I will be frank with you. I could not give a shit about any of that other stuff, but that did impress me. Nic Cage, really?

GARFIELD: N-not quite...

{Chaos looks confused.}

CHAOS: How is that not Nicholas Cage?

GARFIELD: It's the form a Sorcerer who I unwittingly let out of a dragon figurine, allegedly owned by one of the most powerful Archmages ever. I have the cardboard cutout as a memo to relocate said magical item. I lost it in a battle with a foolish samurai warrior, after an attempt to steal the Declaration of Independence from another dimension was botched by a spectral Hellrider letting loose a swarm of killer bees.

{After hearing Garfield's story, Chaos looks amused.}

CHAOS: You have me at another dimension...

{Chaos pauses.}

CHAOS: You didn't spend any money on that cardboard cutout, did you?

GARFIELD: No.

CHAOS: Do you spend your paycheck on the other items?

GARFIELD: Not entirely. I save some of my pennies for ballin' future investments.

CHAOS: And you choose to stay here?

GARFIELD: I would move, but I might miss an auction. I am often perusing the Internet and the dwarfnet for new items, especially if I can take them away from the elite in Hollywood.

CHAOS: I-

GARFIELD: Yes, I know, you probably do feel overwhelmed by my collection. I understand.

{Without a word, Chaos leaves the room. He goes into the front room and sits down on the couch, monologuing to himself.}

CHAOS: I'm poor as hell, and I'm sharing an apartment with two idiots. Great. Just great. {sighs} I'm really gonna have to do this the hard way, ain't I...?

{Chaos shakes his head, disappointed at the turn of events playing out before him.}

CHAOS: I really should've stayed in school...

{Chaos looks down and notices his glass of Naminade still on the coffee table. He picks it up.}

CHAOS: Ah, screw it.

{Chaos drinks as he picks up the television remote and turns the television on. The camera zooms out of the apartment and shows a picture of the city of Townindale, located on Republic Island. Fast-forward a few hours later; then, zoom back to the apartment, in Lex's bedroom. Lex is sleeping in his bed, which is shaped like a race car. Above his bed is the Jamaican flag, and on the wall is a signed poster of Usain Bolt. The sun can be seen through the blinds of the window, and birds can be heard chirping outside. His alarm clock hits 7:00 AM, causing it to go off to the tune of Mr. Blue Sky, by ELO. A montage follows to the music.}

ALARM: Good Morning! Today's forecast calls for blue skies!

{As the music begins, Lex opens his eyes with a wide smile on his face, stretching his arms and throwing the covers off his body.}

ALARM: Sun is shinin' in the sky,
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin'
Everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey!

{Lex hops out of bed in his pyjamas and immediately pulls open the curtains, revealing a sunny and idyllic scene outside. He opens the window, pops head out, and waves to passers by, who smile and wave back.}

ALARM: Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly
In the city on the streets
Where once was pity
Mister Blue Sky is living here today

{Lex does a merry little jig while walking over to his wardrobe. He looks at various outfits and strokes his chin before smiling and grabbing one that's hanging up. In a fashion not unlike that of Wonder Woman, or the Sims, he spins around and is now wearing it.}

ALARM: Mister Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (So long)
Where did we go wrong?

{Lex is now in the bathroom, brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. A cockroach crawls on the mirror's surface. Lex looks perplexed, before smiling and waving at the cockroach. The cockroach waves back before scuttling away. As the song's instrumental is playing, Lex is now doing his happy little jig in the living room. The song abruptly stops as a pillow is launched at Lex, hitting him in the face. Chaos tries to get up from the couch he has been sleeping on, but ends up rolling off and hitting the ground. He groans and stands up, shuffling over to Lex and grabbing him by the shoulders.}

CHAOS: HOLY FUCK, LEX; IT'S 7:00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SHIT.

LEX: What are you talkin' about, mon? It's Saturday morning!

CHAOS: Yeah, Saturday morning starts at like... 2:00 PM in the afternoon! Who gets up at 7:00 in the morning when they have a choice? It's practically still fuckin' night time!

LEX: Did... did you even sleep last night?

CHAOS: I... think so?

{Flashback to 4:30 AM. Chaos is sitting on the couch with a glass of Naminade, watching the television. Sounds of clashing swords, gore, and hardcore sex can be heard offscreen as Chaos watches.}

CHAOS: I can't believe it. They've finally managed to reconcile my love for pornography and violence. This is awesome.

{Chaos yawns.}

CHAOS: Just... one... more... episode...

{Back to the present.}

CHAOS: Nevermind that, it's still too early! I bet Garfield isn't awake yet!

{Garfield can be heard in the kitchen.}

GARFIELD: I've been up since 5:00.

CHAOS: Oh. Well... you guys are weird. What were you even doing anyway, Lex?

LEX: I'm gettin' ready for my morning run, mon!

CHAOS: I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly? A morning run? Not only are you subjecting yourself to waking up this early, but you're going to exercise? The hell is wrong with you?

LEX: Hey, I gotta keep my cardiovascular health goin', y'know?

CHAOS: I... don't even... just... no.

GARFIELD: You're not going out for a run without eating breakfast again, are you?

LEX: Oh, right. I should probably eat, ya?

CHAOS: Oh man, now that is something that I can agree with. Food.

{Chaos walks over to the kitchen.}

CHAOS: Watcha got cooking, anyway?

GARFIELD: Bacon, eggs, grits, sausage, toast, and jam.

CHAOS: No cool nickname for that?

GARFIELD: It's not really different from someone else's standard American breakfast, but I do try to be creative with how I arrange the food on the plate! Sometimes I make a happy face with the eggs and bacon. Other times, I attempt to recreate stills of famous movie scenes. I've considered calling it "the Garfield Special," if that is to your liking.

CHAOS: Oh.

{Lex takes a seat at the dining table. Garfield brings a plate of food and lays it in front of Lex. He takes two more plates of food and puts them down as both he and Chaos seat themselves. Forward to them talking while eating.}

CHAOS: What kind of things did I miss while I was in prison? I have been so out of the loop for the past three years, it's unreal.

LEX: Quite a lot, actually. We elected a new president earlier this year, in fact.

{A look of disgust appears on Garfield's face.}

GARFIELD: Unfortunately. And look how awful it's turned out already. Who knew that electing an incorrigible reality television star - with absolutely no experience or charm whatsoever - would turn out to be a horrendous idea? The fact that people would willingly hand over their democracy to someone with no substance, style, or any real mandate to run a country at all still absolutely shocks and horrifies me to this very moment.

LEX: I think you're being a bit harsh, ya? I think President Kardashian-West could do a really good job, if given the chance.

CHAOS: I don't care about politics, that stuff is lame and boring. I'm asking about the important stuff. Is Betty White still alive?

GARFIELD: I think so?

{Chaos sighs in relief.}

CHAOS: That is literally all I needed to know. Thank you.

GARFIELD: Things have gotten rather bad in the Pacific, however. The Democratic Elven Republic of North Syllahona has ramped up their nuclear threats against the human domain. I mean, they do this every year-

CHAOS: Didn't I just say that I don't care about politics?

GARFIELD: My apologies.

{Lex has finished his breakfast.}

LEX: That was some good yums! Mmm-mmm! Really gets the blood flowin', ya?

{Lex stands up from the table and does a few stretches.}

CHAOS: Lex, wait! This is my first time in Townindale, and I figure that if I have to live here, I should get to see what's around, you know? Maybe I should come with you.

LEX: Ey mon, that's a great idea! I can show you all around the city, introduce you t'some of my friends, y'know?

CHAOS: Yeah! And heck, even Garfield can come!

GARFIELD: Gonna take a pass on that, I'm afraid.

CHAOS: Why?

GARFIELD: Personally, I'd rather it be dark, or raining. I'm sure I could stomach the sun if distracted by a good conversation, though.

LEX: Garfield's not a huge fan of going out in the sun.

GARFIELD: Ultraviolet rays can give you cancer.

CHAOS: Oh please, everything gives you cancer nowadays. What's next? Smoking?

LEX: Hasn't that been proven for a while?

CHAOS: Yeah, if you're the liberal media. Pfft.

GARFIELD: I would prefer to stay inside. Thank you for offering; perhaps, in the future.

LEX: This gonna be awesome, mon! Are you ready to move your legs?

CHAOS: Uh, is running necessary?

LEX: Of course! How else are you gonna appreciate the city, if it ain't with the sun beamin' on ya, and the wind blowing through your air as you run!

CHAOS: Ugh, alright.

{Lex and Chaos make their way to the door, but suddenly the room begins to shake.}

CHAOS: What.. what is that?

{A large and booming Slavic-sounding voice can be heard bellowing from the corridor outside.}

??????: PIIIIERRRROGIES!!!!!!!!

{The door slams open, revealing a man, both incredibly tall and large in stature. He is incredibly muscular, with a perfectly shaved head and an exquisitely maintained moustache. He is wearing black pants and a white shirt with suspenders. In his hand is a plate of fresh pierogies.}

LEX: Hey, Volkov!

VOLKOV: Privyet, Sasha! I heard zat new roommate is here, yes?

{Volkov peers down at Chaos, who is slightly intimidated by the sight of the large man.}

CHAOS: Uh, hello.

{Chaos holds out his hand. Volkov smiles and grasps it incredibly firmly, causing it to make a cracking sound as Chaos grimaces past the pain.}

VOLKOV: Felix, I presume? Sasha told many tales about you. Jailbird, eh?

CHAOS: Yeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh, heh.

{Volkov laughs while continuing to shake Chaos' hand, unaware of the pain he's causing him.}

VOLKOV: In my country, being jailbird was easy. You just had to make fun of guy in charge, and suddenly you're in cage. We have it easy in US of A. You make fun of guy in charge, and people laugh!

{Volkov lets go of Chaos' hand. Chaos pulls back and shakes the pain away.}

VOLKOV: I just want to say, I don't care about past. We all have pasts. It's all about present and future.

{Volkov smiles and bows.}

VOLKOV: I am Konstantin Volkov, owner of deli, and your landlord. I just wanted to say hello, and bring you welcoming gift.

CHAOS: Heh, thanks. Nice to meet you, Konstantin.

VOLKOV: Please. Call me Volkov. This is friendly building, we are all friends here. I just want you to know that you are welcome, and you are friend.

CHAOS: I, um, really appreciate it man.

VOLKOV: And it goes without saying that you are especially welcome downstairs, if you like pierogi. Of course do. You eat those pierogies, you'll be begging for more, haha!

CHAOS: Thank you, uh, um, Volkov.

VOLKOV: Anytime, Felix! Welcome to Townindale! Also, if you have any problem, please let Volkov know!

{Volkov waves as he makes his way out of the room.}

VOLKOV: Goodbye friends!

{The three wave back.}

GARFIELD: Thanks for the pierogi, Konstantin!

{The door closes.}

CHAOS: Huh. He's a friendly guy.

LEX: Oh ya, he's a card, he is. Great guy. Looks like he could tear a brick in half. Well, we should get going. I can't wait to show you the city!

CHAOS: Running. Yay. Is it too late to change my mind?

LEX: Hell ya it is. See ya, Garf!

{Lex drags Chaos out of the apartment from his wrist as Garfield waves. The door closes behind them. Cut to the exterior of Katuysha's.}

LEX: Oh wait, I have to get my wallet. Hold up for a sec.

{Chaos and Lex walk around Katyusha's to the parking space behind it. Lex moves to the back of his ice cream truck and opens the rear doors. Inside the truck is a red BMX, in pristine condition. Lex crawls into the truck and searches around for a couple of seconds, before pulling out his wallet.}

LEX: Ah, found it!

CHAOS: That's a sweet bike you have there.

LEX: I know right, mon? It's incredible!

CHAOS: When did you get it?

LEX: Not too long after you got arrested, ya? A kid agreed to trade it for all the paper I was holdin'. Dunno what he wanted all that paper for, hah.

{Flashback to three years ago. Lex is walking down the road holding a massive sack of cash, as he notices a young teenage boy waxing his BMX.}

LEX: Nice bike, kid!

KID: Thanks! Say, what's that you got?

{The kid points to Lex's bag of cash.}

LEX: Oh, this?

{Lex puts the bag down and looks into it. He frowns.}

LEX: It's a darn disappointment. I was expectin' it to be money.

KID: Ah, jeez. That's a shame. Lemme see.

{The kid walks over and takes a look inside. His eyes widen at the sight of what's there.}

KID: Um, this is money.

LEX: No, it's not; it's paper.

{The kid pulls out a wad of several $100 bills.}

KID: Just paper?

LEX: Yeah, mon. If it were money, it would be stuff like gold, and jewels, y'know?

KID: Are you for real?

LEX: Ya, mon. Think of it this way. What exactly would be the point of assigning a monetary value to an item which costs probably less than a penny to make? There is absolutely no intrinsic value to this whatsoever. Real money is gold and jewels, items which do have intrinsic value, based simply on the fact that there is a finite supply in the world.

{Lex picks up a wad of cash from the bag.}

LEX: What do ya do if you run out of paper? Ya cut down another tree. Ya create more, y'know? Ya can't do that for gold. Why else would the Spanish place so much of their energy and resources into colonizing the New World, if not for the limited supplies of available gold in the Old World? Why are stories of folklore such as the Lost City of El Dorado so prominent in our culture, if not for the fact that gold and jewels are a scarcity? Have ya ever heard of a lost city made out of paper, mon?

KID: N-no...

LEX: Exactly. Because it would be silly. So the idea of assigning a value to paper is equally silly. Of course, ya could apply a value to the paper by claiming that it is backed by gold, but even that would be superficial at best. It's stupid. It's paper, and it's pointless, y'know?

KID: Uh...

{The kid looks back at his BMX, and back at the bag of cash.}

KID: That bag looks, uh, rather heavy...

LEX: Like ya wouldn't believe, kiddo.

{The kid looks back at his BMX, and then smiles cheerfully at Lex.}

KID: Would you like to trade?

{Cut back to the present.}

CHAOS: Paper... paper... hmm...

{Chaos carries a concerned look upon his face. He looks back at Lex.}

CHAOS: ...So, it was basically free?

LEX: Ya, mon!

CHAOS: ...Wow. Lucky you. Hah. I feel sorry for the poor sucker you got it from.

LEX: He seemed pretty happy about it. He said that his dad could finally get treatment, or whatever.

{Chaos blinks.}

CHAOS: With... paper?

LEX: Ya.

CHAOS: Wow. Odd, but... okay.

{Lex and Chaos walk back to the front of Katyusha's.}

CHAOS: Are we really gonna start running?

LEX: Hell ya, we are! Are ya ready?

CHAOS: I've never been ready for exercise, if I'm being hon-

{Lex takes off, running.}

CHAOS: Oh, you son of a bitch!

{Chaos runs after him. Cut to Lex, jogging merrily on the sidewalk, not at all breaking a sweat. Chaos comes from behind and matches his speed, however he is also breathing heavily with a red face.}

LEX: Ey, nice ta see ya caught up!

CHAOS: No {huff} help {huff} from {huff} you, {huff} asshole!

LEX: Don't worry mon, ya'll get used it!

{Lex begins to run even faster. Chaos chases after him in an attempt to match his speed, causing him to sweat badly and breathe even heavier.}

CHAOS: WHAT IS {huff} THIS??? ARE YOU {huff} TRYING {huff} TO KILL {huff} ME?

LEX: I'm going slow, mon!

CHAOS: FUCK YOU.

{The two run, side-to-side, through the streets of Townindale. Finally, they reach the Historic Downtown area of the city - represented by the Town Hall building. In close proximity to Town Hall is a large park, in front of it. The two reach a nearby tree. Lex stops running, while Chaos crashes down to the ground in a massive pile of sweat. He hyperventilates, as he tries to regain his bearings.}

LEX: See, I told ya it wasn't that bad! How did it feel?

CHAOS: My... {huff} lungs... {huff} are... {huff} on... {huff} fire... {huff}

{Chaos picks himself up, dusting himself off. He wipes the sweat off his brow.}

CHAOS: Oh man, that was too much. I need something to calm my lungs.

{Chaos pulls a tobacco pipe from his pocket and takes a puff from it. He coughs loudly after inhaling, but then sighs in relief. The two begin to walk down Main Street.}

CHAOS: That's much better. So, what is there to do around here?

{Lex shrugs.}

LEX: I'unno. Whatever folks do towntown, I guess?

CHAOS: Like... are there any wine bars? Vintage clothing stores? Cereal cafes?

LEX: C-cereal cafes?

CHAOS: Yeah, man. Like, cafes where you go to eat cereal.

LEX: Can't you just go to the supermarket and eat some at home?

CHAOS: I mean, yeah, of course. But in a cereal cafe, you're paying for the experience.

LEX: Of eating cereal?

CHAOS: Exactly! Going to a friendly establishment where they serve you cereal and you eat it with friends. And, like, you get to eat cereal from other countries, too!

LEX: I'm sorry, mon... that just sounds stupid.

CHAOS: Nah, nah; you don't get it. It's the experience! It's a little expensive, but you get the authentic experience of eating cereal with your peers.

LEX: It sounds kinda wasteful, y'know?

CHAOS: Hey, there's one in London. I mean, if something's in London, it's gotta be good, right?

LEX: It just sounds like dumb gentrification to me-

{The two stop in front of a cereal cafe, named "Surreal Cereals."}

LEX: What.

CHAOS: HOLY SHIT THERE ACTUALLY IS ONE, OH MAN OH MAN OH MANNN.