Difference between revisions of "The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Amoviethatdarenotspeakitsname"

Latest revision as of 14:35, 14 December 2013

You guys are probably wandering. GEE, what the hell is the next movie review gonna be. Well, you clicked on the link of that movie review, and I found a film that's so bad, that it gave me venereal disease.

It's so bad, it makes the holocaust, the Boston marathon bombings, the Sandy hook shooting, and even 9/11, look gorgeous.

It's so bad, it makes me give myself a headache a size of Russia.

It's so bad, that if I ever watched this movie again, i would set my college and childhood schools on fire, with all the remains of kids.

This is it, this is the big one... {sigh} Fred: The Movie.

Before we start the review, let's see where this hideous thing came from? You see, based off an internet "phenomenon" and I used the word, phenomenon, loosely, which had an extreme fanbase that wouldn't shut the fuck up about how he has a great chipmunk voice, and Alvin and the Chipmunks has the same chipmunk voice and... {sigh} And he also appeared in 2008 on CNN, and he spawned three movies, one of them I'm gonna review is the first movie, and anyone requests me to do a second or third one, fuck you, shut up. And of course, he has a TV series. The great news is, critics despised that cancer of a show that the number of viewers stopped watching that show and it quickly faded away. Fred is the reason why YouTube is cancer, alongside Smosh, Ray William Johnson, Annoying Orange, Shane Dawson, michael Buckley, pewdiepie, any stupid music out there, and many more.

The guy behind the disease is Lucas Cruikshank. He started that whole Fred thing. Yes, with a T-shirt that has a backwards R, if you are curious. I wish i wasn't. He plays Fred, a chipmunk-sounding little boy, and... that's it. They don't explain except, well, screw you all. That's why. So let's get ready to destroy it!

So we start the movie wi- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RUUUUUUUUN! FRED IS TALKING! SHIT!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! HE'S GONNA WHORE YOUTUBE AND PUT ON GRADESCHOOL CLOTHING!!!!

So he has a crush on that Judy, judging from that stock picture, and we see Fred talk more and more and more... and we see his head fall off. Okay... that was dark for a kids movie. And we see his bully Kevin saying about his girlfriend, Judy, played by Pixxie Lott. No doubt, we got a scene of Fred choking the fry. {sigh} This is unbelievable. We also see Fred's father played by john Cena. What am i doing? He flips him upside down. It's funny because Fred got hurt. Also, he finds a hole in the ground where he messes with the electricity fuse.

Seriously, where's the story? We're only 17 minutes in this hour and a half movie, where's a fucking story when you need it?

He then takes a bath and he says that he needs a disguise. {5 second pause} WHY?! WHAT?! WHO?! WHY?! He takes the disguise, then pulls it off and- SERIOUSLY! Where's a disguise. So he dresses up like a woman and wouldn't you know it, it's like if the Nazis kidnapped Judy in this point. Go ahead and hiss. I don't care. Boo at me. See if i care. You know it would be true.

So, no, his mom doesn't want Fred to go out, as he goes ridiculously batshit insane that he breaks stuff, he punches the wall, and we should kick that hideous manchild in the nads so he could feel and pain, and that way, we would love to laugh at his misery.

Now it's up to Fred to go see Judy since she is moving but he can't go because he's afraid to go to the woods. Well that makes... no, nevermind. He packs up something, which is ketchup and does a reinactment to Apocalypse Now.

Movie, I have a question, and i am gonna be nice here. Will kids ever get the joke? I mean, Apocalypse Now is rated R and is an old movie, and no kid is gonna see that movie and then they'll get the joke. Moving on...

So after that insanity, he steals money from his mom. Which is why it's illegal to steal money in real life, but in the world of Fred, it's okay to steal money.