JCM: quitters never win

2011-04-17T19:55:10Z

quitters never win

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'''ANNOUNCER:''' After it's break, and the rescuing of Chaos, Battels is back up and running!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Damn it all!</blockquote>
And in our first match of the circuit, we have Chaos facing Znex, the time traveller!

'''CHAOS:''' I'm finally ready. And with my new...Pet... I'm bound to win!

'''ZNEX:''' Okay....just to make it fair, though, should I keep the Cuff of Time on, thus making me immortal and giving me time travel abilities and thus making the fight a whole lot tougher or should I take it off?
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Take it off. Take it off. Woot. Woot. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Guffaw? I thought I turned you off! 
'''GUFFAW:''' No, baby. You turn me on just like you always have. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{groans}'' Network.</blockquote>
'''CHAOS:''' You'll wish you'd kept it on at the end. ''{Splits into 5 and teleports}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' It is quite cold, but it does not matter. Take it ''{bzzt}''ing off.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' I'll keep it on, then.

''{Znex disappears and appears behind each of the Chaos clones' backs and knocks them all out in a split second in succession and then appears back.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Your...turn!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Ellipses abuse is America's biggest problem. 
'''GUFFAW:''' Actually, mercury poisoning is the biggest problem of America. I know that because I read it on the Wikipedia.</blockquote>
''{Chaos clears away the red mist to reveal a near-dead Znex.}''

'''CHAOS:''' Now we're getting somewhere.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' We never are.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' What is all the red mist supposed to be for, anyway? Besides, with the Cuff of Time on, I can't be killed. Just...don't try to kill me okay?

''{Znex gets out a red and white capsule and absorbs it, becoming better,''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' At what. I will make the assumption that you mean better in bed because I am a pervert.</blockquote>
''and then emits a giant purple beam from his hands, pushing Chaos off his feet and into the air. When he falls down, he's knocked out.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Your turn.

''{Chaos turns into black ash and reappears in back of Znex.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' In back of? This is freaking ridiculous! You are a ridiculous person! That's what you are!</blockquote>
'''CHAOS:''' I'm sorry, but one of us has to lose, wither way,
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' As I watched my love wither away like roses in a hot sun, I could not help but wonder who I was going to bang that night. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Poetic, yet horrifying.</blockquote>
and after you go first, it doesn't go in turns, you just battle it out, till the end.

''{Chaos digs his hand into Znex's chest, making blood squirt everywhere.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Ick.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' You're speaking for all of us.</blockquote>
''{pulls Chaos' hand out of his chest and then absorbs another red and white capsule, becoming instantly better}'' I never knew these matches had to be deathmatches. Oh well.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' They aren't deathmatches, Chaos is just a troubled little boy.</blockquote>
''{Znex flips over Chaos' head and kicks Chaos up in the air. When he comes back down, he does a kick-punch-kick combo, sending him up in the air again. When he comes down yet again, Znex does one almighty kick, sending Chaos out of the planet's orbit.}''

'''ZNEX:''' You forget, I was, and am, one of the greatest challengers back in 20X6. Oh, just to make sure, ALMIGHTY Z ATTACK! ''{everything that is within 10000km's reach of him explodes, thus destroying the entire planet}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Don't you just hate it when that happens?</blockquote>
Meet you back on Planet K. ''{fades out and disappears}''

''{Chaos lands back on the planet, all repaired, fixed, and with Znex standing in the arena.}''

'''CHAOS:''' I can fix the universe. Now, to assure that it's as fair as it's going to get.

''{Chaos opens his coffin, to reveal a mess of tentacles that grab Znex,''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Yes. Double yes.</blockquote>
''and destroy his Cuff of Time, then bites him, making a 666 in blood appear on his chest.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' That was disappointing.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Ick.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' All of us you're speaking for.</blockquote>
''{absorbs red and white capsule, becoming instantly better}'' Uh, just so you know, the real Cuff of Time is undestroyable. Which means it's on my other arm. Besides, I asked at the beginning if I should take it off or not, and since you didn't give an answer, I kept it on. Anyway...

''{Another Znex appears behind Chaos and starts attacking him. After a while, Znex winks at him, with which the other Znex winks back, and then Znex starts charging up, while the other Znex keeps keeping him business.''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Keeps keeping him business is officially my favorite line ever.</blockquote>
''The other Znex then jumps away, which is when Znex releases a beam of such power that it literally tears Chaos apart. Znex then disappears, and the other Znex then grabs the bits of Chaos''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' His naughty bits.</blockquote>
''and teleports. After a while he teleports back.}''

'''ZNEX:''' So...I win?

''{Chaos appears in front of Znex, and puts his hand in Znex's again,''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Again is a euphemism for 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Please don't. 
'''GUFFAW:''' I was going to say bag. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' No. No, you weren't.
'''GUFFAW:''' Nutbag.</blockquote>
''this time, pulling out a large, red demon.}''

'''DEMON:''' Destroy!

'''CHAOS:''' Nowhere near it.

'''ZNEX:''' Hmmm, strange. But, if you want me to destroy you, then okay!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' haha you see what he did there</blockquote>
''{Znex disappears and the demon explodes, revealing Znex from inside it.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Now to do a dance. ''{does a little dance}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Yes. Shake that thing.</blockquote>
''{The demon reforms and returns to Chaos' side.}''

'''CHAOS:''' Nice try.

''{Znex disappears and the demon explodes, revealing Znex from inside it.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Good, good, original, good.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Wanna see how many times I can do this?

'''IM A BELL:''' ''{from audience}'' Yes.
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' I have not seen someone say "yes" that passionately since 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Alright, that's it! ''{walks out}'' 
'''GUFFAW:''' I was going to say since the Steelers won the Super Bowl. 
'''GUFFAW:''' OK, I was not.</blockquote>
''{Chaos absrobs the Demon, turning into Demon Chaos, but without the stones.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Stones is slang for testicles. Just thought you should know that.</blockquote>
'''DEMON CHAOS:''' It's a good thing I have control of this form. ''{slices Znex in half with his Impure Zanmato}''

''{Znex then comes back together.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Remember, I am unkillable.

''{Znex disappears and Demon Chaos explodes, revealing Znex from inside him.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Demon Chaos sure loves having you inside him.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' ''Now'' do I win?

''{Demon Chaos opens his eyes,''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Without ever closing them,</blockquote>
''and Znex is in hundreds of pieces.}''

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' Don't worry. Your loss will be easy to get over.

''{Znex comes back together. He closes and opens his eyes, and Chaos is in thousands of pieces.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Anything you can do I can do times ten. I can do anything times ten of you. Copyright somebody.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Now do I win?

''{Demon Chaos pulls Znex's soul out with an anchor.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' It would have been easier to do so with your hands.</blockquote>
'''DEMON CHAOS:''' Don't worry. I'm just getting help on my side. This will, in no way, harm or kill you.
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' He is a professional soul surgeon. He has a PhD and everything.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX'S SOUL:''' Um...how come that doesn't make me feel any better?

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' I dunno.

''{The Cuff of Time starts beeping, and all of a sudden, Znex's soul is sucked''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' If only it could end here.</blockquote>
''back into his body.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Wow, I never knew it could do that.

''{Znex, pressing a certain button on the Cuff of Time manages to freeze time, and chops Demon Chaos' frozen body into thousands of pieces. After that, he makes it into a milkshake, and gives it to aliens to drink.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' ''{drinks milkshake}'' A bit tangy, but it will do.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' '''NOW''' do I win?

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' Just chopping me up will not make you win. You actually have to retaliate and fight back, not copy things I do and rely on a terrible fashion object.
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Straight guys just do not get fashion. Cuffs are the bomb.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Alrighty...

''{Znex jumps on Demon Chaos and''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' You have my interest.</blockquote>
''does a huge flurry of attacks.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Foiled again.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Now do I win?

''{Demon Chaos rips off Znex's arm(either one) and swallows it.}''

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' MM!!!
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' Cannibalism will work.</blockquote>
''{Znex disappears and reappears in Demon Chaos' stomach, grabs his arm back, and reappears back, and puts his arm back on.}''

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' You're funny, trying to fix everything.

'''ZNEX:''' Why thank you...I think... ''{stabs Demon Chaos in the back, shoots him ten times, and throws a nuclear bomb into his mouth}'' Hammerspace can be useful at times. :D
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' How does one say an emoticon. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{offscreen}'' That's my joke! 
'''GUFFAW:''' Hey, the green man is back.</blockquote>
''{Demon Chaos swallows the bomb.}''
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' That was a bad idea. Bombs have like millions of calories. 
''{Lightning Guy walks onscreen holding a baseball bat.}'' 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Prepare to die, you sick robot bastard.</blockquote>
'''DEMON CHAOS:''' Yumm!
<blockquote>'''GUFFAW:''' ''{begins to shake and sweat}'' Hey man, what are you going to do with that bat. 
'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Play buzz-ting baseball. 
''{Lightning Guy swings the bat and smashes Guffaw's face in.}''</blockquote>
''{Demon Chaos explodes.}''
<blockquote>''{Guffaw explodes.}''</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' Now do I win? AM I EVER GONNA WIN?!?!

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' No.

''{Znex walks away.}''

'''ZNEX:''' Fine, you win. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{puts down the bat, breathing heavily}'' Don't ever give up. On yourself, never. I sometimes forget I'm talking to a screen.</blockquote>
'''ANNOUNCER:''' And chaos wins?

'''DEMON CHAOS:''' Cool?

'''IM A BELL:''' BOO! THAT BATTEL SUCKED!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Eh, I liked it. 
''{Lightning Guy opens up a can of beer as sparks from Guffaw fly over it.}''</blockquote>

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JCM: quitters never win