JCM: war is no laughing matter

2010-11-28T20:54:53Z

war is no laughing matter

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== Intro ==

''{Noxigar is seen in an Old WWI Era Office, at a desk, along with Sephiroth at another. They are both Wearing Old WWI Army Uniforms.}''

'''GENERAL NOXIGAR:''' Any news Captain Sephiroth?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Sorry, I'm all out of News Captain Sephiroth.</blockquote>
'''CAPTAIN SEPHIROTH:''' None Whatsoever General!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' "That's Mr. Whatsoever General to you!"</blockquote>
''{Door Knocks.}''

'''NOXIGAR:''' Enter Soldier!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{enters "Soldier" into the search bar}'' Got nothing but this page, General.

'''NOXIGAR:''' ''{sinister}'' ''Excellent.''</blockquote>
''{Captain Sam The Man Enters}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' But I thought it was Door who Knocked.</blockquote>
'''NOXIGAR:''' Ah! Captain Sam The Man! What a Pleasant surprise! What are you here for?

'''SAM THE MAN:''' BAD NEWS GENERAL!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Meet your long lost twin brother, GOOD NEWS GENERAL!</blockquote>
Army XIII Has been Completely Wiped out by a Betraying Officer!

'''NOXIGAR:''' ''{Angry}'' WHAT!? WHO DID THIS!?

'''SAM THE MAN:''' Private Roxas Sir.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' He betrays everyone, doesn't he?</blockquote>
'''NOXIGAR:''' I Never Trusted him. Capture him, and Bring him to me!

'''SAM THE MAN:''' I would, but he has escaped.

'''NOXIGAR:''' Drat! Well, make a search for him!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{enters "Roxas" into the search bar}'' Got nothing but this page, General.

'''NOXIGAR:''' ''{sinister}'' ''Excellent.''</blockquote>
'''SAM THE MAN:''' Sir Yes Sir! ''{Leaves.}''

'''SEPHIROTH:''' Roxas? A Murderer?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{chuckles}'' That Roxas. Always killing someone.</blockquote>
'''NOXIGAR:''' It seems so.

''{Cut to a Trench, Showing Cyrus, Im a Bell, and Garzel.}''

'''CAPTAIN CYRUS:''' God, it's horrible in here!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' You don't know horrible until you've read this.</blockquote>
And to think, in any given Moment, Old Walrus Face Noxigar
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' "That's Mr. Old Walrus Face Noxigar to you!"</blockquote>
could be giving us a mission to go over the top!

'''LIEUTENANT BELL:''' Oh Come on Captain! Even though we're living in crap,
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' That's exactly what trenches are full of.</blockquote>
at least we're with friends! Hurrah!

'''CYRUS:''' ''{Monotone.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' When was that ever a sentence.</blockquote>
Hurrah.

'''PRIVATE GARZEL:''' Whoa, you're in a bad mood Captain.

'''CYRUS:''' WELL I WOULD BE IN A BAD MOOD
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' CAPTAIN</blockquote>
IF I WERE
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' So, you aren't?</blockquote>
LIVING IN A CRAPHOLE
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' EXACTLY WHAT TRENCHES ARE</blockquote>
WITH TWO IMBICILES!!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' And that guy over there who can't spell "imbecile"...hoo wee!</blockquote>
'''IM A BELL:''' You don't really mean that, do you Captain?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' "That's Mr. Do You Captain to you!"</blockquote>
''{Major Znex walks over.}''

'''MAJOR ZNEX:''' Greetings there, troops! How's the jolly old battle going, eh?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Jolly, according to you.</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' Look out behind you, Major!

'''ZNEX:''' "Look out behind you, Major"? What kind of status is that?

'''CYRUS:''' Seriously, look out behind you!

''{Znex turns up his invisible nose.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Get it? Because he doesn't have a nose.</blockquote>
'''ZNEX:''' I honestly don't know what you're talking about---

''{The three duck down just as a shell explodes in Znex's face, killing him.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' One down...</blockquote>
'''GARZEL:''' Well, that was a short cameo role...

'''CYRUS:''' Oh Crap!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' O Crap! Where art thou, Crap?</blockquote>
Garzel, get this corpse away!

'''GARZEL:''' Yes Sir!

''{Garzel Leaves, and Comes Back, he starts carving something on a bullet.}''

'''CYRUS:''' What's that you're carving Garzel?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' What's that? You're carving Garzel?</blockquote>
'''GARZEL:''' I'm carving my name sir!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' That's what he just said sir!</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' And Why?

'''GARZEL:''' You know they say, there's a bullet with your name on it...

'''CYRUS:''' Right..

'''GARZEL:''' I'm carving my name on it, because it would be unlikely, to be 2
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Commas</blockquote>
bullets with my name on it, but, If I own the Bullet with my name on it, chances are, I won't shoot myself.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' If he doesn't own the bullet with his name on it, though...</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' Shame Really. ''{Looks at Im a Bell}'''

'''CYRUS:''' Bell, what are you reading?

'''IM A BELL:''' I'm reading the Daily Soldier! Insparational Stuff!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Is it the Daily Soldier or Insparational Stuff?</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' Yes... Good for Toilet Paper I suppose...

'''IM A BELL:''' Hahahaha!! Good one Captain!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' ''{clears throat}''<small>suckup</small>''{clears throat}''.</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' Bell, I am Serious.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' "Also, that's Mr. One Captain to you!"</blockquote>
'''IM A BELL:''' Oh..

''{Phone Rings.}''

'''CYRUS:''' Yes? Yes? I'll be there quick!

'''IM A BELL:''' What is it Captain?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Apparently, Phone is Ringing.</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' General Noxigar wants me to come to his office. Probably a Suicide Mission to go over the top. Well, I'm off.

''{Cut to the Office.}''

'''CYRUS:''' Where's Noxigar?

'''SEPHIROTH:''' He's just doing something. ''{Eye Starts to Twitch.}''
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Gee, Eye's getting as twitchy as me right now.</blockquote>
Ah! Here he comes now!

''{Noxigar Walks in.}''

'''NOXIGAR:''' Ah! Hello Cyrus! Baa!!

'''CYRUS:''' You wanted me sir?

'''NOXIGAR:''' Yes. You've heard of the Daily Soldier,
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Or Insparational Stuff,</blockquote>
right?

'''CYRUS:''' Eh, not really.

'''NOXIGAR:''' You'll be glad to know that the task I give you is not a suicide mission to go over the top.

'''CYRUS:''' Oh. That is good then.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' I've never had then before. Sounds like a delicacy.</blockquote>
What is it?

'''NOXIGAR:''' Are you or your privates good at art?
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Maybe. His privates painted weird stuff on my bed.</blockquote>
'''CYRUS:''' They're just as good as a bunch of Blindfolded Mice.

'''NOXIGAR:''' Shame really.
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' Really shame.</blockquote>
If anyone there was good at art, they would be sent to Canada, for the rest of the war.

'''CYRUS:''' That reminds me! Have you seen the Blindfolded Mice Painting in Vienna?

'''NOXIGAR:''' So somebody is good at art then?

'''CYRUS:''' Yes!

'''NOXIGAR:''' Good! Because the mission is,
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' To tell you how to punctuate sentences?</blockquote>
a painting for the daily soldier that is truly inspiring!

'''CYRUS:''' I'll have it right away sir!
<blockquote>'''LIGHTNING GUY:''' "That's Mr. Away Sir to"</blockquote>
''{Leaves.}''

''{Cut Back to the trench.}''

RiffText/Everything You Know Is Wrong/WWI//WWI/Captain Cook - Revision history

JCM: war is no laughing matter