View source for TheCheese's Stories/This One Time When I Met A Texan

''Here, you will find no transcript. You will find no chapters. No sequels in sight. Just pure, unadulterated Texan. If you have never experienced Texas, you may get queasy from the overload of freedom and valor you will feel by reading this.''

"Mom, are we really going to Dallas? I want to stay here with all of the old people and deadly theme parks of Florida!" the chubby 15-year-old me exclaimed. "You just don't get it..." said Mom. "Florida's freedom is not even freedom. You need to see the wide open ranges, the valor, the strength, the courage, the Texas...the Texas HECK YEAH!" She then imploded from the thought of so much democracy and bliss.

So it was my father, my sister and I, off to Dallas, Texas, to see this "freedom" for the very first time. I wondered if it would be like the first time I had seen snow or the first time I got beat up at high school.

Alabama, Mississippi, I think Louisiana, and I think we had finally made it to the border. I could faintly hear the sounds of free speech, gunshots, and all-you-can-eat 64oz steak buffets already. I stepped out of the car, and I looked into this glittering utopia. "Texas...heck yeah..." I thought.

My father, my sister, and I all had our hats taken and placed by our hearts by a "freedom machine", a device used to preserve the perfection of Texas so it wouldn't fall into a Floridian (see:dystopian) state. The device removed our hats as we shed a tear and watched a beautifully symbolic eagle fly overhead. Knowing that freedom isn't free, I attempted to give the machine a Florida quarter for it's service. "No...I will not accept your dictator money. Please, have some freedom bucks", said the machine as it thrust a large bag of bucks toward me. We donned our 10-gallon-hats and I tipped mine at the machine as we admired the eagles soaring gracefully over this beautiful land and walked as a loving Texan family does into this utopia.

We walked past the churches, synagogues, and mosques with the leaders and practicers of the different faiths shaking hands. I was dumbfounded, as I was not used to this "freedom of religion", I believe they called it. As I was standing there in awe, a bright light blinded me. I covered my eyes, and soon after, I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Did my belt buckle blind ya, friend? Sorry about that." I opened my eyes and saw this muscular Adonis of a man standing before me. "What is your name, you beautiful thing...", I managed to choke out. "My name's Tex. I am a Texan, and darn proud of it."

"Sorry about blindin' ya there. Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't ya come down to my ranch? I'll show ya a hootenanny."

"Sure, man. Let's go." I was able to say.

After nothing of interest, except much freedom and beauty, which is the norm there, we made it to "Tex's Freedom Ranch", circa forever. "Okay, let's gitcha on your first mustang", he told me. My jaw had barely receded, so I followed his requests. We came upon this beautiful, which, in Texas, is an unnecessary adjective, steed. "This is Liberty And Justice For All, the Mustang," I was told. I was used to a set of orderly, unfree instructions to everything I do, so I had no idea how to mount this animal without any paperwork, so Tex had to coach me. Needless to say, I got on the creature, and LAFJA and I were off into the amber waves of grain that was Texas.

My jaw finally receded back to my skull, and I was able to take in this environment around me. I tried to look around and find something that didn't bring a red, white, and blue tear to my eye. I failed. The eagles were perpetually soaring, cowboys were fighting Indians, front porches were inhabited by overweight gun-toting men wearing nothing but Oshkosh overalls. As the patriotism engulfed me, Tex caught up with me, on his stallion, One Nation Under God. "C'mon, partner, let's go do something that isn't so sissy."

LAJFA and ONUG carried Tex and I back to the Freedom Ranch and, after enjoying some tasty Freedom Fries, a freedom 72oz T-Bone, and a freedom President Bush-shaped cake, complete with Constitution napkins, we did some things that were a bit less "sissy."

We corraled Democrats and other bison into freedom cages complete with programs from the Democratic National Convention for slop. We wooed some beautiful Texas women with our mutual adult-flavored beverage drinking abilities. We passed out from the adult-flavored beverages and had lucid dreams about Texas, in which we replayed the entire history of Texas and watched Texas come to fruition in all its glory. We woke up in Texas, and admired this wonderful place called Texas. We spit adult-tasting tobackee in our Freedom spittoons with a picture of Hitler and Osama getting knocked out in a boxing ring by Uncle Sam. We-

"Hey, it's time to go!"

It was my father. Although, I couldn't tell. My father and daughter had turned into what looked to be the two most beautiful things in the world. They looked like exact replicas of George W. Bush and Jenna Bush. The red, white, and blue tears were streaming from my eyes like the Rio Grande flows to separate Texas' authentic freedom from anyone else who wants to steal it. I waved goodbye to Tex and headed away from the beautiful wonderland that is Texas. I remember thinking that one day, I would like to return.

That is still my hope.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

YOU HAVE BLESSED TEXAS ENOUGH!

The end.

<small><small>PROUDLY A PART OF THE [[THE "TEXAS IS COOL" SERIES]].</SMALL></SMALL>