Wikihood/eps/13

Synopsis

• After celebrating Chaos' triumphs, Leigh and Garfield wind up hung over.
• Rosemary Touchdown attempts to initiate a confrontation with Garfield, only to have picked a bad time.
• Garfield calls Tracy and Stephanie to wonder how things are. Stephanie asks Garfield to come over to her apartment.
• Leigh & Lex head to the Underground Market, with the latter intending for the former to be introduced to LARPing. This leads to Leigh buying ski equipment.
• Along the way to Stephanie's apartment, Garfield picks up takoyaki and quickly finds it to his liking.
• Jules still laments Leigh's termination from his Aunt's company, and resolves to hire Leigh as a bodyguard for $18.00/hr.
• Gordon helps Jules, as they try to give Leigh a job interview for the bodyguard position.
• Garfield fights Jacques DuFour.

Transcript

{Open to the front room of the apartment. Leigh is sprawled out over the couch while Garfield is lying on the floor. It is 7:00 AM in the morning. Leigh tries to pick himself up, but fails.}

LEIGH: My head... it's too heavy to move.

GARFIELD: {groans} When I'm back at the lab... I'm going to create a cure for hangovers...

{Garfield sits up.}

GARFIELD: No... even better... I am going to genetically modify myself so I don't get hungover ever again.

{Lex walks out of his bedroom, as fresh as he can be. He walks over to the curtains and opens them. As the light hits Garfield and Leigh, they hiss.}

LEIGH: The light, it burns!! I never should've come up to the surface; the light is too painful!!!!

GARFIELD: I will... I will genetically modify the Sun to not be SO FUCKING BRIGHT!!!!

LEX: Eyy, whazzup, guys? Got a bit of the old Irish flu?

GARFIELD: Lex... that's offensive.

LEX: Is it?

GARFIELD: It's culturally insensitive, at least. Ugh...

{Garfield strugges to get up. He wobbles over, and closes the curtains.}

GARFIELD: Damn, I don't think I'm in... any state to... do much more than this...

{Garfield collapses back on the floor. His cellphone distantly rings.}

GARFIELD: {groans} I should get that...

{Garfield slowly motions toward this bedroom, and reaches for his phone. He picks it up.}

GARFIELD: This is that guy who's starting to hate Mondays a lot more with each passing week.

TRACY: Garfield? You doing okay?

GARFIELD: I'm kinda fucked up. After finishing that robotic arm, I-

TRACY: Wait, you were building a robotic arm?

GARFIELD: For someone who I fought and defeated, to the point of hospitalizing them.

TRACY: Oh, right. Is that the-

GARFIELD: You talk first. What's up?

TRACY: It seems D'Arque knows more than he's letting on.

GARFIELD: How dire is the situation?

TRACY: A goblin and several mobsters have been asking around about Village People. The answers everyone has given have been mixed.

{The apartment shakes a little. The front doors are banged on.}

GARFIELD: Hold that thought, Tracy. It appears an earthquake is-

{The front doors burst open. A familiar face, now wearing a yellow robotic arm, arrives.}

ROSEMARY: Noxigar Bellinski! It is time to-

{Garfield turns to face Rosemary.}

GARFIELD: I'm hung over, and also you just burst through the front doors of my friend's house. What is wrong with you?!

ROSEMARY: Ah, wait. Is... this a bad time?

GARFIELD: I already had-

{Cut to Garfield's NOXCORP Office. God Complex and Bruce look to be at work on a robotic arm.}

BRUCE: Say, Psi-kick. What if I give vibration functions to this 'ere Doomfist?

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} That sounds stupid. Put it in.

{Cut back to the apartment.}

GARFIELD: At what point is sparring with you appropriate now?!

{Rosemary frowns.}

TRACY: Wow, this is kinky.

GARFIELD: Darkheart, you're not helping.

TRACY: Hey, lighten up! This gives me an idea from during my comic book shop phase!

{Rosemary's eyelids lower.}

ROSEMARY: Your friend Darkheart sounds way more fun to be around than you. I'll go find him instead.

{Rosemary waves awkwardly, at Lex and Leigh, and badly puts the front door back together. She leaves, thereafter.}

TRACY: Seems like I'll have a visitor.

GARFIELD: She mentioned knowing Hipsters who saw my face, so... I can deduce as much.

TRACY: Better her than that Xavier guy. Or worse.

GARFIELD: So, has anything else happened? Or are they still looking for us?

TRACY: I can't quite make it out. Their actions seem to be in odd patterns.

GARFIELD: Keep your eyes peeled for anything else. I've got to assess the abilities of our new recruit, the Human with an interest in Drow culture.

TRACY: Uh... sure. See ya.

{Tracy hangs up. Garfield puts his phone away, then motions back towards the couch.}

LEIGH: What was that all about?

GARFIELD: Do you want the short version, or the long version?

LEIGH: Will either make any logical sense?

{Short pause. Before Garfield can explain, he gets another cellphone call.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

STEPHANIE: I need you to come to my flat in Downtownindale, so I can discuss stuff with you discreetly. Do you have time?

{Garfield glances at Leigh, who looks even more confused.}

GARFIELD: I think so.

STEPHANIE: Please get here ASAP Rocky.

GARFIELD: As you wish.

{Garfield hangs up.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I might need you to explain things in the style we presented it to Volkov. Something came up.

LEX: It's cool, mon. I think I know the way.

{Garfield heads towards the front door.}

LEIGH: Wait, why does Stephanie want to talk to you alone?

GARFIELD: Short answer: Trust reasons.

LEIGH: That's extremely vague, but I think I understand to an extent.

{Garfield exits.}

LEX: 'Ave ya ever been to th' Underground Market, mon?

LEIGH: N-no? Not really? I've only been here for about a month, give or take.

LEX: I gotta call Garf-

{Cut to Garfield, who's downstairs and about to head for the door. He hears his phone ring.}

GARFIELD: Y'ello?

LEX: Leave me th' ice cream truck. I need it.

GARFIELD: She's all yours.

LEX: "She?" It's a truck, mon!

GARFIELD: She's sentient. I am still trying to find a good commando name for her. I tried "Meuloz" the other day, but I don't think it took.

LEX: I have extreme doubts about th' ice cream truck bein' sentient. But, it's whatevs. Just leave 'er to us.

GARFIELD: I copy that.

{Garfield walks into the garage and looks at the ice cream truck.}

GARFIELD: We really need to get another vehicle. Hmm...

{Garfield scans the room, and in the corner, he spots a pair of rocket skates.}

GARFIELD: Gotta love my ninth-grade science projects. Now let's see.

{Garfield walks over to the skates and slips them on his feet. He has slight trouble maintaining his balance at first, but gains his footing. He rolls outside of the apartment and pulls a remote device out from his pocket. He presses a button on the remote and the jets on his skates activate, propelling him down the road at high speeds.}

GARFIELD: COWABUNGA!!!!!!!!

{Cut back to the garage. Leigh and Lex walk downstairs as Lex is explaining the Underground Market.}

LEX: So somehow, amidst all this wacky Cold War tension and paranoia, our Mayor managed to convince th' United States government to build a multi-million dollar nuclear bunker underneath the city.

LEIGH: That Nixon dude sure was an interesting individual.

LEX: Tell me about it, man.

{The two hop into the ice cream truck. Lex pulls out the key and starts up the ignition. The garage door opens automatically as the truck pulls out of the driveway.}

LEX: Ever heard of LARPing, Leigh?

LEIGH: You mean that think you and Garf do? Yeah, what is that, anyway?

LEX: You're about to find out very soon.

{Cut to Garfield, already in Downtownindale. He is racing through the busy streets as he catches a whiff of something which smells delicious.}

GARFIELD: It appears as if my nose has detected a delectable delicacy!

{Garfield turns the jet on his skates off. As his nose attaches itself to the visible scent, he lifts off the ground and floats towards its source. He arrives at a small takoyaki stand on the side of the street which is operated by an old Japanese lady.}

GARFIELD: I say, madame! What is that delicious smell?

{The old lady smiles at Garfield as she holds out a stick with a takoyaki ball on the end.}

OLD LADY: It's takoyaki. Would you like to try a sample?

GARFIELD: I don't see why not.

{The old lady hands the stick to Garfield, who pulls the ball off and plops it into his mouth. Zoom into his face as tears begin to form under his eyes. The tears turn into heavy crying as he struggles to wipe them away with his sleeve.}

OLD LADY: What do you think?

GARFIELD: It's... so...

{Garfield clenches his hands into fists and raises them into the sky. He yells.}

GARFIELD: DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!

{The old lady laughs.}

OLD LADY: I'm glad you like it! Do you want another?

GARFIELD: Another? I want several boxes of it! I... what is takoyaki, anyway?

OLD LADY: It's a dish from my home city, Osaka. They're minced octopus balls which have been fried in batter, marinated in special sauce, and sprinkled with seaweed and dried fish.

GARFIELD: I see... Hold on.

{Garfield pulls out his phone and calls Stephanie.}

GARFIELD: Hey Stephanie, I take it you're familiar with takoyaki?

{Cut back to Lex and Leigh, who have also reached Downtownindale.}

LEIGH: Why are we driving through here?

{The camera pans to an alternate entrance to the Underground Market, which Leigh and Lex take.}

LEIGH: Oh.

{The truck continues along the path, which is shown through camera shots. After a few seconds, the screen zooms to show Lex and Leigh parking near an entrance to a bunker, which looks to be abandoned. Both of them step out of the ice cream truck, and proceed toward the bunker entrance by foot. The camera cuts to the other side of the bunker, with them being shown entering it. Then, zoom outward to show the makeshift interior, as well as some posters of memes from a bygone era. Lex takes glances around the office, looking mystified.}

LEX: It really has been a while.

LEIGH: A while since...?

LEX: We need to redecorate. Everythin' here's been outdated since 2016. Gotta get some new memes goin'.

LEIGH: ...memes?

LEX: Ya.

LEIGH: Why would-

{Lex goes over to a computer, and turns it on. After pressing some buttons on a keyboard, a grate opens to reveal an area with three altars.}

LEX: Follow me.

{Lex and Leigh enter. As soon as they are inside the room with three altar, the door closes behind them, as if doing so automatically. Leigh turns around to see this, and looks shocked.}

LEX: Don't worry. This won't take long.

{The three altars rise upwards slightly, and an item appears on each. On the first altar, a tall, thin blue staff appears; a Dragon's head is adorned on it, and its height exceeds both Lex and Leigh's. On the second altar, a metal shield appears with a red border and a black backside; it bears the shape of a standard Knight's shield. On the third altar, is an ivory broadsword with a yellow hilt; it is as tall as the staff.}

LEIGH: Why do I get the feeling I've seen this before?

LEX: Ya probably 'ave, mon.

LEIGH: I think I know what to do.

{Leigh approaches the altar with the sword.}

LEIGH: What is this thing?

LEX: It's a sword made out of bone.

{Leigh blinks, then smiles awkwardly.}

LEIGH: Cool, I think?

{Leigh takes the sword.}

LEIGH: Alright. With that...

{Leigh gazes upon the other two altars. He looks at the staff with confusion.}

LEIGH: Is that an actual Dragon's head?

LEX: Ya. The staff's got electricity breath, an'-

{Leigh knocks the staff off of its altar.}

LEIGH: Okay. I sacrifice the staff. I've never had much of a talent for magic, so it's pretty useless to me.

{Lex nods sagely.}

LEX: Valid.

{Leigh goes over to Lex, sword in hand.}

LEIGH: So, do I strike a pose with this thing? How does the next-

{The altars lower into the floor and below. As the altars lower, a door to another room opens. Lex motions to enter, with Leigh following after a few seconds. The two walk through the doors into a large room that is reminiscent of both a 1980s arcade and a Hong Kong street market, with lights and colors everywhere. There are dozens of stalls, each selling unique items of varying legality. As soon as the two step into the market, they are stopped in their tracks by a large minotaur in a security outfit.}

MINOTAUR: Password.

{Leigh looks at Lex. Lex looks straight at the minotaur and says nothing.}

LEIGH: Um, Lex, shouldn't we...?

MINOTAUR: PASSWORD.

LEX: I am looking to buy a dress for my girlfriend.

LEIGH: I didn't know that you have a girlf-

MINOTAUR: What color?

LEX: The same color as the eyes of the Winter Maiden.

{Leigh begins to sweat as the Minotaur furrows his brow. Suddenly, he steps aside and bows.}

MINOTAUR: Welcome to the Underground Market.

{Lex bows back and a confused Leigh follows suit. The two enter the market.}

LEIGH: What was that about?

LEX: It's... I don't actually know. It's just what they do here.

{As the two walk past the stalls, Leigh looks in wonderment at all the items that are being offered. An Asian male salesman in an ornate robe can be seen, peddling his wares.}

SALESMAN: Glamours! Get your glamours here! Do you wish to look beautiful? Change your sex, or perhaps even your species? I have what you need!

{Leigh looks at the man's table which is covered in an assortment of charms and jewellery. The salesman walks up to him.}

SALESMAN: You look like somebody who's hiding a secret.

LEIGH: D-do I?

{The salesman grins.}

SALESMAN: I can help you with that.

{Leigh is about to try on a bracelet until he's pulled away by Lex.}

LEX: Agh, never mind these people, mon. They sell any ol' rubbish here.

{Leigh is speechless as he carries on looking at the salesman, who grins at him and waves.}

LEX: Lemme show ya where the good stuff is.

LEIGH: Heh... of course.

{As the two sift through the crowds, Leigh accidentally bumps into Davv'roth, who looks annoyed by the bump-in.}

DAVV'ROTH: Oi. Watch 'yerself, clumsy fucka.

LEIGH: S-sorry.

{Davv'roth walks past him.}

DAVV'ROTH: And take that ridiculous costume off. Ya ain't foolin' anybody, mate.

LEX: Gee, what's what guy's problem?

LEIGH: He's a Dr- jerk.

LEX: Yah, best not to sweat it. C'mon, we're nearly there.

{Leigh and Lex press onwards, passing by even more interesting stalls. Leigh's eyes gaze at each of the stalls, then are affixed to a tent which both he and Lex are fast approaching. They head inside the tent. Inside, are several tables, an assortment of prop weapons, and space having been made. One of the nerds, in a Spiderman costume, gestures widely as he converses with several uncostumed nerds.}

SPIDER-NERD: They've got to reboot the continuity! Anna Paquin sucks spiderballs as Rogue!

UNCOSTUMED 1: Aw, not this again!

UNCOSTUMED 2: This is why he's not allowed at the Bed Bath & Beyond.

UNCOSTUMED 3: Or at any other, for that matter.

UNCOSTUMED 1: Hey, Jenkins. Relax.

{The camera returns to Lex and Leigh. Leigh waves awkwardly.}

LEIGH: Uh... hi?

{The other nerds jovially greet Leigh.}

UNCOSTUMED 4: Forsooth! I, Devin Masterson, wish to introduce you to the LARPer's Association of Towningdale!

UNCOSTUMED 5: It's Townindale, ye cheeky wanka!

DEVIN: Byral, you shut your trap!

BYRAL: Nuts to that! You've been pronouncin' it wrong all day!

DEVIN: Dude, we've got a newbie!

{The camera pans to Leigh's face, which reads as if it were blank.}

LEIGH: {internally} Jesus, I expected some more formidable companions...

{Jenkins lifts a hand and webbing shoots at Leigh, interrupting the Drow from his introspection.}

UNCOSTUMED 1: Jesus, Jenkins! What the actual fuck?!

JENKINS: Now's not the time, Patricia!

PATRICIA: Ever since that Drider venom entered your bloodstream, you've been a complete dick!

UNCOSTUMED 2: Wait, did that actually happen?

JENKINS: You bet your ass it did!

UNCOSTUMED 3: And I thought it was weird that there was someone in this association named "Gertrude Henrietta-Benson."

GERTRUDE: Don't full-name me like that, Wallace James Bennett!

{The uncostumed nerds quibble amongst themselves, much to Leigh's confusion.}

LEIGH: Uhh... what the fork...

{Lex clears his throat.}

LEX: As you can see... we have a unique cast of characters. Garfield and I met most o' these chaps in our previous ventures.

LEIGH: ...chaps?

{The camera zooms out, to showcase that there are more LARPers around. Others are huddled around a television, looking to be playing a multiplayer videogame.}

LEX: We'll need to get you some arts & crafts t' make a costume befitting o' ya new bone sword.

{Cut to Jules and Gordon, who look to have just left the Rosenberg Building.}

GORDON: Wait, so tha's wha' 'appened?

JULES: Yeah.

GORDON: I 'ad no idea Leigh was a patsy-

JULES: I think that was an accident. One of the Counts of Montecristo tried to atone for it earlier.

GORDON: Are ye sure ye wanna discuss tha' in fron' o' potential eavesdroppers?

JULES: Nothin's interestin' about office gossip, brah.

{Jules and Gordon head towards Downtownindale. 95 Radios by Open Mike Eagle and Has-Lo plays in the background.}

GORDON: {whisperingly} So, ye wanna ge' back a' yer Aunt's pardner? Tha' soun's like career suicide, lad!

JULES: Partially. I need help learning how to do a job interview to hire Leigh as my bodyguard. Have you seen those security tapes?

{The camera "rewinds" to a previous scene at the Fundraiser Heist, with it being recounted in the style of an old kung-fu film. Three Asian men, dressed in Leigh's, Lex's, and Chaos' clothing, fight each other with kung-fu moves. It shows Leigh almost defeating Lex and Chaos, but being soundly pummeled by Lex's superior fighting expertise.}

GORDON: {offscreen} I 'eard Leigh go' curbstomped, ac'chilly.

{A disc record can be heard scratching as the picture changes to the scene of the real Leigh getting curb-stomped. The camera returns to Jules and Gordon.}

JULES: I'd rather Leigh have a job that pays roughly $18.00 an hour, at minimum. That's how much I'd pay him to be my bodyguard.

GORDON: Tha's... kind o' ye? I guess? Wait. That's more than I get pai-

JULES: I think I know some guys who might know some other guys who know professionals not under my Aunt's thumb. Let's go find 'em!

{Zoom out to showcase how much distance was covered by Jules and Gordon's walk, through use of a map of Townindale.}

GORDON: {offscreen} Wait, 'ow are we-

{Cut to Garfield, who has now made it to Stephanie's apartment with a tupperware full of takoyaki in tow. He gets a phone call, as he's about to knock on the door.}

GARFIELD: Hrm?

{The screen splits in half, to show Lex & Leigh on the top half with Garfield at the bottom half.}

LEIGH: Hey, so... quick question. Can you recommend me good fabrics to go with a bone sword?

GARFIELD: So that's what you chose out of the Altars. Cool!

{Garfield clears his throat.}

GARFIELD: Try some brocade, or some chiffons. Enchant it with defensive abilities so you're not a sitting duck for someone who can-

{Garfield's screen gets cut off, with it being subsumed. A gunshot can be heard on Leigh's end otherwise. The connection is disconnected, which causes Leigh some alarm.}

LEIGH: {nervously} Ah, shucks, shucks.

LEX: I fully confide in Garfield bein' able to 'andle whatever's goin' on on 'is end.

{Leigh looks around, seeing that his panicking has caused a couple of nearby townsfolk to look at him.}

LEIGH: Okay, so where are we going to find brocade?

LEX: Mate, ya can find almost anythin' in this shady market. You can probably find it in the Bed Bath & Beyond.

{Lex motions to the far end of the market. The camera pans over to two large metal doors on the wall, in the typical doomsday shelter function. On the top is a sign for Bed Bath & Beyond. Lex and Leigh quickly appear at the doors.}

LEIGH: Did we just teleport from one end of the-

LEX: Shh.

{Lex opens the doors, revealing the busy corporate interior of the retail superstore. In contrast to the bright colours of the Black Market, the Bed Bath & Beyond looks like any other store chain. As the two walk in, Leigh looks even less impressed.}

LEIGH: Why does this black market have a corporate superstore inside of it?

LEX: Life is full of wonders.

{The two are greeted by a small gnome in corporate attire.}

GNOMEY: Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond! Is there anything I can help you find today?

LEIGH: Ah, yes. I'm looking to enchant some fabric for... um... LARPing purposes, and I was wondering if you had any chiffon. Would it count as bed or bath, or is it beyond?

GNOMEY: Hm. A fabric typically would not be found in the bath section. It's probably in the bed section. Most fabric-related things are.

LEX: What's in the beyond section?

{Gnomey's eyes widen.}

GNOMEY: The beyond section holds items of dark power that can only be wielded by the most worthy. It lays on unholy ground, that only few may ent- Nah, I'm just shitting you. It's kitchenware, mostly.

{Leigh chuckles.}

LEIGH: So it's not run by demons?

GNOMEY: Nah. That's HappyMart. We're all peace and love here. But yeah, you can probably find chiffon in the bed section. If you need anymore help, you know where to find me!

{Leigh and Lex proceed inside the Bed Bath and Beyond, a considerably distance away from Gnomey.}

LEIGH: I have a sliiiiiiiight hunch that our friend there might be a demon.

LEX: What makes ya say that?

LEIGH: Would anyone believe I was a Drow if I had a nametag that said "Drowy" on it?

{Lex shrugs.}

LEX: Could just be that 'e 'ad a long name which was unpronounceable. I've known a Svirfneblin or two who came 'round t' Townindale lookin' for ski equipment.

LEIGH: Why ski equipment specifically?

{Lex points at the Beyond section, which has ski equipment.}

LEX: I think it's for that.

{Leigh observes carefully, then rubs his eyes with his hands.}

LEIGH: I didn't know they sold this here.

{Leigh rifles through shelves of ski equipment and picks some up.}

LEX: Are you concerned if any o' the stuff is magical?

LEIGH: Nope! I'm sure some of it is, but I wouldn't know a lick about it!

{Leigh picks up some ski equipment underneath his arms. Cut to Garfield, who is standing in shock, holding his arm up just as his cellphone was just shot out of his hands.}

GARFIELD: I'll have you know that was incredibly fucking rude-

{Garfield turns around to see a young red-headed man in a tan duster and with a cigarette in his mouth, pointing a gun at him. He speaks in an ambiguously European accent which sounds like a mix between an Irish accent and a French accent.}

JACQUES: DuFour. Jacques DuFour.

{Garfield's expression turns into horror.}

JACQUES: I've been looking for you, Noxigar Bellinski. The D'Arques send their regards.

GARFIELD: You're the Lavosian mercenary who's been sent to kill me, aren't you?

JACQUES: The order said "neutralize," but I do enjoy taking creative liberties.

{Jacques' smile widens as he says "taking creative liberties."}

GARFIELD: Oh yeah? Well, taste my Lapis Lazuli Straight Ballin'!

JACQUES: Wha-

{Garfield throws a box of piping hot takoyaki at Jacques' face, causing him to misfire a bullet through Stephanie's door. Garfield tries to punch Jacques, but Jacques grabs Garfield's hand and kicks through the door. Both of them enter the apartment. Jacques fires his gun at Garfield, who activates his rocket boots while still on the ground, causing both of them to slide around Stephanie's apartment. The sliding around breaks several of her belongings. Garfield slams into the wall, as Jacques tries to fire again. Garfield quickly picks up a nearby potted plant and throws it at Jacques, who shoots it in mid-air.}

JACQUES: You slippery son of a bitch!

{Garfield manages to get up from the ground. However, Jacques manages to grab him by the throat. With his rocket boots, Garfield thrusts himself and Jacques out of the window. Cut to Stephanie, walking up to the front door of the apartment complex as she hears the shattering of glass. Instinctively, she jumps out of the way of falling shards. She looks up to see Garfield and Jacques.}

STEPHANIE: What the hell?!

{Cut back to Garfield. Jacques is hanging on Garfield's leg as they continue flying through the air, while Garfield is trying to kick Jacques off.}

GARFIELD: Get off of me!

JACQUES: Did you really think he was going to let you get away with what you did?

{Cut to Noelle entertaining Chaos at her apartment over tea.}

CHAOS: Thank you so much for inviting me here, Noelle. I'm glad that weird stuff didn't completely ruin things between us.

NOELLE: I keep telling you, it's fine. It's just another d- hey, what's going on over there?

{Noelle points outside to Garfield and Jacques flying in the air. Garfield is punching Jacques in the head.}

CHAOS: GARFIELD?!

NOELLE: You... know... them?

{Chaos and Noelle run out to the balcony.}

CHAOS: Hey, Garfield!!!!!!!! What's going on?

GARFIELD: Sorry, Chaos; I'm a little busy presently! I'll talk to you later!

{Garfield and Jacques fly off. Noelle turns to Chaos.}

NOELLE: Is he one of Lex's friends?

{Chaos' eyelids lower.}

CHAOS: ...Yep.

{Cut back to Garfield and Jacques flying through the city.}